


One Word Might Ruin Us

by nashcreates



Category: Shadowhunters TV
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Mentioned Minor Characters - Freeform, Parabatai Bond, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nashcreates/pseuds/nashcreates
Summary: af·fec·tionəˈfekSH(ə)n/noun1.a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.synonyms : fondness, love, liking, tenderness, warmth, devotion, endearment, care, caring, attachment, friendship, warm feelingWhat if that was their foundation? What if that was their pure destruction?





	1. Tell Me What You Really Want To Tell Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fanfic, so needless to say, I’m new to this. I could definitely use a Crash Course in tags, so if anyone wants to leave a comment on how to do so, it would be greatly appreciated. 
> 
> I’m just testing the waters with this forum to see if it’s for me. I throughly appreciate commentary, so constructive criticism is allowed. I also enjoy conversation about the piece, so let’s talk. 
> 
> Thank you and I hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace gets Alec to talk to him about his feelings and finds out something interesting.

“I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go  
Some days I make it through but then there’s nights that never end”

~ “Just Want You to Know” by the Backstreet Boys 

 

Alec stood on the edge of the night as the city that never sleeps buzzed away. His hands, bloodied, ached from the hours of trying to drown his emotional pain with physical pain. He desperately wanted to put an end to his mental suffering, but time and time again proves itself right: you can never outrun yourself. Alec was dreading the event to come at the end of the week, and he angered himself even more for dreading it. It should be the most wonderful time of the year for him. For them. But all that September 13th brought him was misery. That day was bittersweet since that’s the day he learned what love felt like, but also what it was like to die on the inside. Alec, for the most part, had been a dormant ghost when it came to his emotions for the last 8 years. He had thought about going to Hunter’s Moon to drown his sorrow in stinging alcohol, since he was now of age, but the fact that it would take him longer to drown himself into incoherence led him to his usual hiding place, the New York Institute roof.  
This Friday would be the eighth year anniversary of his and Jace’s parabatai ceremony. He loved Jace with all his being and was fond of the memories they had made whenever they celebrated, however, that was just the problem. Alec loves Jace. He’s in love with Jace. At the beginning, it was easy to love Jace because Alec figured that becoming parabatai added to the level of intimacy one could express. Although, that bliss didn’t last long. Shortly after, Alec began to lust for Jace like how he would distraughtly watch Jace lust after girls. He longed to hold the golden boy’s hand as he saw mundane couples do. He longed to hold Jace and never let him go in a more than friends kind of way whenever Jace showed any vulnerability. Alec longed to be the person Jace couldn’t live without, which would appear to be just the case to the rest of their fellow Shadowhunters. Jace had willingly bonded, gave up half his soul, for Alec and to Alec. Alec had part of him, and he had part of Alec, but Alec was greedy. He wanted all of Jace. To the rest of his kind, they would argue, Alec got just what he wanted.  
Jace would die when Alec died, or at least a part of him would. Having a parabatai was rare, but highly valued as everything was enhanced, especially in battle. The price to pay was great, though. Ironically, both boys never thought of having a parabatai as paying a debt, nor did the ones before them, but that didn’t shadow the fact of the emotional taxation bonded souls had. Jace would be in utter pain when Alec left him, or the other way around. Jace could feel Alec’s physical pain and could sense every emotion. It was a balance to learn what senses are being sent through the bond, and when to use brain power to allow the other soul privacy. The Shadowhunters that surround the parabatai would say Alec has found the person he can’t live without because of their souls, not because of the mundane term of “being in love.”  
Alec could easily argue that when said, “I feel, you feel,” about parabatai bond, was not the complete truth. If it had been, Jace would reciprocate his feelings. Alec wouldn't fear rejection. Alec would never have to tell his golden boy how he truly felt because he could just sense it. If the saying were completely true, then Alec and Jace would be something more, something more than brothers in arms, adoptive brothers, parabatais, or best friends. They would have a thing called young love, and in terms of Alec’s greed, eternal love.  
Alec didn’t want to think about how he ruined his chances to be with Jace as he wanted to. He didn’t want to be reminded on Friday. Although, Alec had never been so happy to be so miserable because at least he got Jace, at least no one else can say they have his soul. Another can claim his heart, but they can’t claim his soul since he had half and Jace had the other. Did Alec regret his decision? No. Would he go back and change it? Never. He was grateful that Jace thought of him so highly when they were younger; he was honored to be the most trusted person to the best Shadowhunter in history. No, he wouldn’t change a thing. And that’s why he happily dreaded for the day to come because he could celebrate a wonderful person who was a part of him, but would have to fight the urges to scream at the world for never allowing him to have what he wanted. He wanted Jace.  
The archer let another arrow soar; he could hear it tearing through the air with ease, almost wishing it would tear through his heart just the same. Almost, since Jace’s golden eyes gave him the will to live another day and his smile would replenish the air he was finding hard to breathe. He didn’t notice the creaking door opening as someone invaded his hiding place, but he might have if he didn’t feel a warm comforting sensation in his parabatai rune. Alec had a bow at the ready and aimed it towards the source, however he had no intentions of shooting at him; Alec just wanted Jace to leave.  
“Hey,” Jace said calmingly, “same side, remember?” Yes, he did remember. Alec remembered well the first words Jace ever spoke to him once he arrived at the New York Institute a decade earlier. With those four words, the archer lost all will to push his golden boy away. His. He fondly wished he could mean it in a couple’s possessive way. Every new day was proving harder than the last to keep the so called unlawful emotions at bay. Alec wasn’t allowed to love Jace like that under the Clave’s rules.  
“Do you need something,” Alec said trying to brush him off. Jace shook his head. “Then, please leave. I’m busy.”  
“Sure you are,” Jace snorted. “I do want something, however.” Alec arched an eyebrow as he prepared another arrow for release; it ripped through the sky as well. “I can see that you are busy beating yourself up over something. I know it’s been eating away at you; I can feel it. You feel, I feel, parabatai.” Jace came to pat him on the shoulder as Alec rolled his eyes and thought ‘oh, sure. If you felt what I felt, I would be kissing you senseless right now and you would be holding onto me like I’m your lifeline. Why can’t I be your lifeline, Jace?’  
“I’m fine.” It was said tiredly.  
“Parabatai,” that stung more than it should have, “you’ve been down lately and I just want to help. I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong. That’s what I’m here for. Your cross is also mine to carry.” One could practically hear the plea flowing.  
Alec, finally turned towards him, this time without an arrow. He felt deflated; why was this becoming so hard to conceal all of a sudden? Unknowingly, Alec’s gaze began to fall to Jace’s lips. Alec licked his own as he stared at what could never be his. ‘I’m greedy, and I want you,’ he thought.  
“Alec?” All the concern in the universe was laced in his name.  
“Do you trust me,” Alec said on impulse. He was tired of wondering what if and feeling ashamed. He was going to tell him, even if it killed him, because either way, he was dying without Jace knowing. At least he would know. Yes, Alec feared the rejection and the highly possible change in their bond, but he was more afraid of the outcome if he continued to suppress how he truly felt. “Never conform yourself to fit someone else’s society,” a wise friend once told him. Well, Magnus’s advice will be used today in order to help Alec through his ordeal.  
“With my life, is ” Jace replied firmly without a delay. Alec took him by the wrist and lead him to his room. Before shutting the door, Alec burned a silence rune over it so their conversation would not be heard.  
“Alec, you’ve got me worried now. Is something wrong?”  
“I need you to promise me that you won’t hate me.”  
“I could never hate you, Alec. I’ll always love you.”  
“I need to hear you say it.” When Jace made no indication that he was going to promise him, Alec stepped into his personal space, pleading, “please, Jace, I need to hear you say it.”  
“I could never, have never, and will never hate you. No matter what. I promise.” Jace added the ending for good measure since he was getting distress from their parabatai rune.  
“No matter what I say, you have to remember that, alright?”  
“Alright.” Jace couldn’t imagine what on Raziel’s earth would make Alec feel like his parabatai would abandoned him. He never wanted Alec to doubt him, but now all he could think about was how he could reassure Alec he wasn’t going anywhere.  
Alec took a deep breath and prepared for the ground beneath his feet to crumble. He believed Jace when he promised he wouldn’t hate him after the fact, but nothing could prepare anyone for what Alec is about to confess to him. “Have you ever loved someone that you weren’t supposed to?” Alec already knew the answer, yes. When Jace and Clary believed that they were siblings, Jace almost drove himself insane for being in love with his sister and took every opportunity to jump into a fatal demon hunt to get rid of his feelings. Jace had never been good with emotions either. It was only until after they uncovered the truth, that the sibling story was a facade, but in that time, both of them found ways to not desire the other and decided picking up where they left off would only be detrimental to their progress of moving on. “Have you ever wanted something that you knew you couldn’t have?” Alec also knew that answer was “yes” as well, but for a multitude of reasons, not just because of Clary.  
“Alec, I’ve always wanted a family, a blood relation, but I knew I could never have it, or at least deserved it. Now that I know who I really am, I’m trying to not get too close because I’m afraid of getting attached.” Alec knew that Jace wasn’t telling the whole truth about becoming attached, but rather he didn’t want to get hurt again. This was Jace’s subtle way of admitting his vulnerability without actually voicing it. He had this mantra of “to love is to destroy” and by the angel did Alec know it. They both knew that all too well. Maybe that was also part of the reason Alec never voiced his true feelings, because he never wanted to destroy Jace, or himself in the process. “Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have?” That was the million dollar question; yes, he had.  
“Yes,” Alec replied in a hushed voice. He dropped his gaze to the floor in an instant. Jace sat him on the bed and he took his place on the floor, with his back against the wall, to catch Alec’s eyes.  
“What have you wanted?” Jace knew he needed to tread lightly, because one wrong move, and Alec would shut down quicker than a system on lockdown.  
“You.”  
The air was sucked out of the room in an instant. Alec looked at Jace’s expressions with sad puppy eyes, but was grateful that not one of his parabatai expressions was disgust. It was safe to say that Jace was in shock, but as the gears in his head started to turn, he realized why Alec made him promise to never hate him in the beginning. Jace moved like a cheetah to the bed and sat next to adoptive brother. When he did, Alec turned away from him so he couldn’t see the shed of silent tears.  
“I don’t hate you.” That was all Jace could muster.  
“But you can’t love me either,” Alec replied heartbroken. Jace remained silent. Wrong move; Alec thrusted himself off the bed and grabbed him bow and quiver to return to the roof once more. Thank the angel for heightened senses. Jace was able to grab Alec’s wrist, like he had done to him minutes prior.  
“We have to talk about this.” There was no going back on this, or moving on until everything was out in the open.  
“What else do you want me to say? You don’t have to let me down easy or anything. I know you don’t like me in that way.”  
“Alec, it takes courage to admit your feelings for someone else, regardless of the situation. I’m not just going to brush you off, and you shouldn’t either.” He paused. “How long have you known?”  
Alec waited to answer, in fear that if the confession didn’t drive Jace away, the timespan would. “Eight years.” Jace gaped as his golden eyes widened. Pull it together thought Alec, he’s not yours, not in that sense at least.  
“You mean you’ve loved me since we became parabatai?” Alec nodded his head.  
“I didn’t know until after, if that helps,” Alec replies, trying to ease the tension. Why don’t they have an ease tension rune? They have a calm anger one, but there was no anger in this situation. It almost made Alec uncomfortable because of all the scenarios he imagined, he never imagined Jace appearing ok with it. Almost. Alec was thrilled his parabatai hadn’t turned him away, but that didn’t make eight years of suffering any better. It did, however, ease his stress of losing a faithful person in his life though.  
“Puberty must have been a pain then,” Jace claims trying to ease the mood. However, all he received was a frowning of the brows expression from Alec as if saying that hurt more than made me laugh. “Sorry.”  
“Don’t be sorry, I should be apologizing. I only made it harder for myself and put you in this awkward position.”  
Alec was pretty sure that Jace had only been more livid and firm when a boy questioned why he chose Alec to be his parabatai years ago. “No, you have nothing to be sorry for. You don’t get to control who you fall in love with.”  
“Just like I don’t get to control their response.” Ok, that hurt, Jace thought. Alec wasn’t implying that he wished Jace was mad at him, but more so that he wished he could get Jace to confess to loving him back in that way. “I’m gay, Jace, how can you even look at me?” There was a first time for everything because this was the first time Alec had said the word, admitted it out loud since he realized who he truly was eight years ago.  
“Alec, I don’t think of you any differently because you’re attracted to guys. If anything, I think you’re stronger because it takes a lot to admit something of that nature. It shouldn’t be seen as trivial or wrong. Alec, you’re stronger and more noble than you give yourself credit for.”  
Alec was officially caught off guard. “You mean you don’t mind having a parabatai whose, you know. It doesn’t weird you out?”  
“Not at all. I feel honored that you came to me.” Jace was beaming with pride.  
“You mean you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you sooner?”  
“I mean I’m hurt that you had to suffer alone for almost a decade. Like I said, you cross is also mine to carry, but I understand, at least from a mundane tradition, that coming out isn’t easy and everyone has their time when they feel comfortable with sharing themselves with the rest of the world.”  
Alec made a note that Jace had yet to mention his deposition on how he felt about Alec. “What about us? Do you love me?”  
“Of course I love you,” Jace declared moving his hands from Alec’s wrists to holding his hands.  
“Do you love me like that?” Alec was scared of the response; he was trying to pull himself together, but he was struggling, as he was falling apart.  
Jace didn’t let go of his hands, but he no longer looked him in the eyes. Jace didn’t give him a reply.


	2. Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec avoids Jace after their conversation and goes on a blind date.

~  
“I would rather be at home all by myself not in this room”

~ “Here” by Alessia Cara

“He just looked at me. He didn’t say anything.”   
“Alec, darling, stop pacing.” Alec stopped at his request. “He never said he didn’t like you.”  
“He never said he did either, Magnus.”   
“I get that, blue eyes, but you can’t expect him to the answer either. He’s never been confronted with something of this nature; he’s in shock.”  
“But he would know if he’s gay or not.”   
“Not necessarily, Alexander, just like it took you awhile to admit it, others don’t realize it. Not until they are confronted with it.”   
Alec sighed, “thanks, Magnus.” He settled into the cushion of the couch. After Jace didn't reply, he came to Magnus’ and spent the night. Magnus had been one of his best friends for years and had been the one who helped him the most with his sexuality. “How did you do it? Get over Camille, I mean.”  
Magnus was caught off guard by his question, but understood the reason for it. “A lot of alcohol,” Magnus replied lightly. In all honesty, he didn’t really understand how he made it through himself. A century had passed, more time than mortals get, and Magnus hadn’t completely forgotten the heartache that Camille had caused him. Alec laughed none the less, but sighed and turned his head as that wasn’t the answer he was looking. “There’s no easy way to get over rejection, no matter how much we prepare ourselves for it. You may be part angel, but you forget the other half of you is human. Humans don’t suppress emotions; they embrace them, a talent Shadowhunters lack in my opinion.”  
“I just always thought Jace would tell me to my face, not be utterly silent.” Alec left it unsaid, but he knew Magnus understood what he was fully saying - the silence hurt worse than hearing no. The void hurt worse than his parabatai saying he didn’t love him like that. Alec hadn’t prepared himself for no reaction at all, but then again, he didn’t prepare himself for Jace to take the news so well either.   
“Alec, I’ve lived for over eight centuries, and I can tell you one of the few things that will always remain true in this world: the emotion, love, can hurt just as badly as pain. Love allows for you to get hurt. It opens that gateway because you’re allowing someone in. You no longer have your walls up, so they have free range to all your secret weapons and weaknesses. At some point, they might not be who you thought they were, and they can use all they have about you against you. You are your worst enemy, and nothing hurts worse when someone uses you to play against yourself. However, love can be the greatest thing on this earth because it gives you a source of freedom, of joy.”  
“Does it get easier?”  
“It becomes livable.”   
Alec’s phone beeped at that moment. It was a text from Izzy saying that Lydia was holding a meeting for all of the institute. Lydia Branwell had come as an envoy from Idris; the New York Institute was currently in the process of finding a new head. She was there just to be sure the entire institute didn’t break under havoc. “I have to go, but thanks for letting me crash here, and you know, vent about my problems.”  
“My pleasure, darling. What are friends for?”

Alec returned to the institute swiftly and just in time for the meeting, although none of the meetings lasted longer than five minutes unless the head or Clave were holding them. Lydia simply mentioned that it wouldn’t be much longer before a new head was appointed; that was all that was said. It truly was a topic that could have just been passed from mouth to mouth instead of being a PSA.  
Alec retired to his room to get ready for training. He had to stay the best, or at least one of the best. As he made his way, he passed Jace. Alec never thought he would live to see the day he dreaded to see his own parabatai, the carrier of the other half of his soul. He knew Jace was trying to make an effort to talk to him, but it was left ignored. He couldn’t be around the silence. Thankfully, he made his was back to the training corridor without as so much of a glance of Jace. He picked up a sparring stick and started whacking the training dummies they had.  
“With that, you’ll always win. What’s the point of training when there’s no obstacle?” Alec sighed and rolled his eyes at the voice’s owner. Jace.  
“What do you want, Jace?”  
“To train,” he replied innocently.   
“What do you really want?” Alec knew he was being short, but he didn’t really care. He didn’t really want to face rejection again because he felt that every time he looked at Jace, all he would see is what he couldn’t have, he would see a person who told him no in a way that hurt so badly. Alec always knew he couldn’t have Jace, but now, it was just official with everything out in the open.  
“I want us to talk.”   
“No.”  
“Why not, Alec? We just can't leave things the way they were.”  
“You mean last night,” Alec said raising his voice, “because I know for sure you’re not suggesting that you feel the same way. Forgive me, but I can’t be around you. How can I? When all you did was watch me spill of my vulnerabilities and insecurities in sheer silence. You said nothing. You did nothing, Jace.”  
“Alec, I-”  
“No, I am done, Jace. I’m not giving into you this time.” Alec left the heated conversation, angered. He couldn’t look at the source of his pain and not feel it, but he also couldn’t stand the fact that he had come to the point to be angry with Jace. Especially the week of their parabatai anniversary. They hadn’t even discussed what they would do to celebrate. He loved his parabatai, he truly did, but now, all he could feel was pain. Pain in the bond from himself and pain from Jace since Alec pushed him away. Alec just needed to be alone.   
Thank the angel Jace respects privacy because he managed to go two days without a peep to Alec. He would even intentionally not be in the same room as him so Alec wouldn’t have to look at him. However, on the second day, Thursday, Alec figured he owed it to Jace to tell him where he was going for some odd reason. Without knocking, because they never did, Alec entered Jace’s room. He was shirtless and was in old sweatpants. Alec swallowed the urge to kiss Jace as he stared at his rune covered body. Jace noticed because he throw on a shirt, and when he did, Alec was brought out of his trance.  
Alec cleared his throat. “I’m going on a date.”  
“Really, with who?”  
“I don’t know. We’re meeting at Hunter’s Moon.”  
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day Alec Lightwood go on a blind date.”  
“Yeah, well, first time for everything, right?”   
“Yeah.” The tension was killing Jace. He would have said have fun, but he didn’t want Alec to have fun. No, he wanted Alec here, with him, so they can talk, but Alec had turned and left. He had shut the door, and in a way, Jace felt like Alec had shut the door on him. On them. His blue-eyed angel was leaving him for another. He was watching Alec caring about someone else. He was witnessing the possible start of a relationship, and it made him sick to his core. Jace wanted to tell Alec everything. He wanted his parabatai to know that he did care, that he did love him in that way, but he couldn’t do it. Jace couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it out of fear. He was fearful of the outcome because everything great in his life turned out to be a facade, and if not that, he would destroy it. He, himself, would not destroy the ones he loved, but rather his enemies and the lies that ran his life would destroy the ones he cared about. Jace would not allow them to touch Alec. Never his boy. Never his parabatai. Not his lifeline. So, Jace didn’t. Jace didn’t tell him because the decision was safe. He would still have Alec. He could still have Alec, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted. In the way he desired Alec the most.


	3. You Never Looked So Lovely In The Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace engage in an intense battle and an even more intense catharsis after the fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a disclaimer, all of my knowledge concerning Shadowhunters purely stems from the TV Show and personal research of the Cassandra Clare world. I have not read the books so I do apologize for any discrepancies. 
> 
> Since I am in the midst of final exams, I do NOT have a set schedule for uploading new content; however, I plan on adding on frequently. I'm just not making any promises to do so, but know the intention is there!
> 
> I have corrected the grammar. Hopefully, this is improvement from the previous two chapters!
> 
> Lastly, thank you to everyone who has read, liked, and/or commented. I greatly appreciate each and every single one of you! Without further ado, I give you the third chapter. Happy reading!

“So if you don’t mind, I’ll walk that line  
Stuck on the bridge between us  
Gray areas and expectations  
But I’m not the one if we’re honest, yeah”

~ “Talk Me Down” by Troye Sivan 

Jace couldn’t get it out of his mind. He couldn’t unsee it. He could feel his heartbreak on repeat. He could hear it tear to pieces. Jace set up multiple practice target boards across the training room and aimed his daggers relentlessly. He just wished that he was on the receiving end of the dagger; he was positive that would hurt less. It wasn’t just seeing Alec walk away, but confronting the realization that Alec was more than his parabatai, more than his soulmate. He never wanted his true feelings for Alec to come to light because he didn’t want Alec getting hurt. He so labored his heart to not feel those emotions, but now, it had become the hardest battle of his life. However, since Alec’s feelings had come to fruition, it was just a matter for Jace to voice exactly who he was.  
In all honesty, Jace was in love with the blue-eyed boy. He was always there; he was never judgmental. ‘Would he hold it against me,’ Jace thought. Would Alec understand his new revelation? He could feel Alec’s happiness through their bond while he was on his blind date. “Ugh,” he exasperated.  
“Hey there, watch where you throw those things.” Jace, only then, acknowledged that out of frustration he indeed missed the board and the dagger had landed in the doorframe, almost taking Clary’s left eye. He muttered an apology. “It’s ok.” He walked to the other end of the training room to gather the remaining daggers wedged in the boards. “I know we said we weren’t going to be together anymore, but that doesn’t mean you have to shut me out. We can talk, you know. I am here for you.”  
“Why should we talk when there’s nothing to talk about?”  
“You better be fortunate you’re not a Seelie.” Clary smirked while Jace laughed at that. Only a little, though, but it would still qualify as a laugh.  
“My worst fear came true today.” That was all he said.  
“Are the Herondale’s not your family?”  
“No,-”  
“Jace, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how you must feel-”  
He interrupted the redhead, “no, Clary, it’s not that. The Herondale’s are my family, at least that’s the latest update.” He gave a half smile before continuing. “My biggest fear is not having Alec by my side anymore. I mean we fight, and we’ll go a few days without talking, but tonight felt like this was the first time he walked away from me. From us.” Jace could not longer face her because he didn’t want his supposed sister to see the tears threatening to leave the rims of his eyes. He knew she would never tell a soul she saw the great Jace Herondale cry, not even if her life depended on it because she would never use his emotions against him.  
“Oh, Jace, just because he’s meeting somebody at Hunter’s Moon doesn’t mean you’re being replaced.”  
“I let him go. I didn’t want him to go.”  
“I don’t understand.”  
Was he actually going to admit how he felt? Would he confess his feelings? “Alec told me something tonight, something that could change our bond, forever.” Now it was Jace’s turn to be confused because Clary appeared as if she knew what he was going to say before the words even left his mouth. She came closer and lowered her voice.  
“He told you, didn’t he? That he was in love with you.”  
The air was sucked from Jace’s lungs; if she knew about Alec, then did she know about him. He looked up. “How- how did you know?”  
“It was pretty evident when you and I were together,” Jace was silently thankful that they had reached a point where they could talk about their past relationship without cringing. “He would always walk out of the room whenever we kissed, and I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve caught him staring at your behind, or your lips.”  
“Oh.”  
“How do you feel about it?”  
“I’m… indifferent.”  
“Elaborate please.”  
“I don’t care that he’s gay. I’m actually really proud of him for having the guts to tell me. It takes time to build that sort of confidence.”  
“Yeah,” Clary agreed, “it’s not an easy thing to do.”  
Taking a seat on a nearby bench, Jace replies, “that’s just the thing. He was so honest about how he felt, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye.”  
“Jace, there’s no right response to this, I mean there’s a negative response, but that’s not what you gave him. You accepted him, you made him feel safe. Rejection is hard on everyone, even the person that says ‘no’ is affected.” Clary came to sit next to Jace. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, Jace, that you were speechless. We don’t control who we fall in love with; we can’t control who falls in love with us.” A knot was stuck in his throat, and he couldn’t fight the tears anymore; they poured. “Jace,” even with her small build, Clary clutched Jace into a warm embrace. “It’s ok to be weirded out.”  
“No, that’s not it. He told me how he felt and I just stared at him.”  
“You were in shock-”  
“Listen to me, Clary, really listen to me: Alec confessed his feelings. He told me he loved me and I stayed silent. I said nothing, Clary.  
Clary’s eyes gaped at the realization after Jace could see the gears working in her head so she could really comprehend what he was saying. “You never told him how you felt. Did you?” Too ashamed to speak, Jace only nodded his head in agreement and proceeded to bury his face in her shirt. Even Valentine hadn’t made him feel this small, but the taboo of it being unlawful to have Eros for your parabatai was weakening Jace to insanity. Clary could feel Jace’s tears stain her shirt. “You said it takes guts to tell something of that nature,” she replied when she thought she had found the right words. “You said it takes time to build that confidence, so why not give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and take you own advice?”  
“Because he was honest with me,” Jace replied lifting his head. “I had the easy part. All I had to say was I feel the same. Instead, I froze.”  
“Jace, no matter who says it first or second, admitting your feelings is never easy. Even if you’ve lived as long as Magnus, expressing your love, on that level, for another is always difficult.” Clary let out a light chuckle. “I believe it’s harder for you and Alec because Shadowhunters refuse to acknowledge that emotions exist. It’s ok, Jace.”  
“But now he’s with another, Clary. How do I get over that? It was always supposed to be he and I!”  
“And it still will be. There is too much love between the two of you to be tarnished by the lack of words in a silent moment. Give yourself, and him, a break. You did your best with the situation at hand, and so is he. You’re coping in different ways.”  
“I don’t want Alec to be in love with anyone else.”  
“Then tell him that.”  
“I’m scared.” Clary did her best to not let her shock of Jace admitting for the first time, probably ever, that he was “afraid.”  
“Remember Alec was too.” A silence fell over them in that moment. The redhead stared at the boy who she had once been desperately in love with, then kinned to, then now a friend and saw his golden eyes outlined in red from the tears he shed. She saw all the pain in his red stained eyes. “How long have you known how you felt?” She lowered her voice again. Jace appreciated that she did whenever they talked the specifics of the situation as she knew that both he and Alec could be deruned and possibly killed for having these feelings. These innocent feelings. Were they innocent though since there was a punishment? They had to be, because there was no law against being your true, authentic self. The laws honesty seemed contradictory the more Jace thought about them.  
“A little less than a year. I realized it one night when I snuck into his room during a storm. He always knows I’m coming on those nights, especially thunderstorms because they always make me feel uneasy. I always felt like I was reliving the murder of my father, well, my father who I thought I belonged to then,” Jace tried to laugh. “Alec never asked questions. He only ever had open arms and reassuring gestures. He never made me feel like I had to explain myself, no matter how old we got.”  
“Jace, do you love Alec?”  
“Of course I do,” he shouted and shut up from her shoulder. “Alec understands me, and he never questions why I act the way I do. He never doubts me. He’s pulled me out of the darkness and he’s been my light when there has been none. He’s just always been himself, and I love that. I love him. I am in love with my parabatai.” Clary let out a laugh, not one of mockery, but of happiness. Jace was slightly offended by this. He just let out his heart and soul and she had the nerve to laugh at him. Maybe this is how Alec felt. By the angel, that doesn’t feel good. “What?”  
“You just admitted you love him. You did it with such ease.”  
“Well of course I admitted it, it’s true, and you questioned it. It’s only you and it’s easy.”  
“It’s never easy to admit you love someone. If you say it to the person, you fear rejection; if you say it to a friend or sibling, you risk being teased, and if you tell your parents, you expect a lecture. Those are all outcomes we try so hard to avoid, yet clear as day, you declared your love for Alec.”  
Jace smiled. “I never thought of it that way. It felt good, like I have this weight lifted off my chest.”  
“Well, I’m glad. Now, you just have to tell Alec.” Jace didn’t even have time to panic or confide in her his concerns about doing so because the Institute just altered that there was an attack. 

“Where’s the attack?” Clary demanded to know.  
“It’s near Central Park, so far three mundanes have been injured,” replied Izzy.  
“Injured? How so?” Jace sobered up quickly in the time it takes to walk from the training room to the ops center.  
“They’re just unconscious. If you make the attack strategic, then the mundanes around will just assume they passed out; it’s a family.”  
“Let’s go,” declared Jace.  
“I’m going to stay behind, Jace, I need to prep the lab so we can figure out why demons are targeting mundanes. I need you to bring one back,” declared Izzy.  
“Alright,” Jace said as he put on his coat and fastened his weapons belt. “C’mon, Clary.” As they ran out the door of the Institute, Jace heard Izzy shout that she had alerted Alec to meet them there since she wasn’t going. Jace stopped momentarily in his tracks.  
“Jace, we have to go,” Clary claimed bringing him back to his senses. He nodded and followed her lead to Central Park.  
Once they had arrived, Alec had already taken roughly five demons down due to the arrows stuck around the park.  
“Alec, are you ok,” Jace asked taking a fighting stance next to his parabatai.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Sorry to have ruined your date.”  
“It’s fine, you didn’t. I was walking back when Izzy called.” He released another arrow and the demon on top of the pavilion collapsed to the ground, burning to ash.  
Clary was striking demons down as they came. She had secured the perimeter once they had gotten there to make sure no more mundanes were around. She was also able to get the unconscious family out of danger; they were hidden in plain sight for other mundanes to help them. Jace stayed close to Alec. Alec was grateful he did because while they weren’t on the best of terms at the moment, he knew Jace would never abandon him in battle. The same goes for Alec; he would never abandon Jace. Momentarily, Alec drunk the sight of Jace in the moonlight. The blue-silver tent of the moon highlighted his angelic features. He appeared more elegant in his fighting style with the moon shining on him.  
“Alec! Watch out!” Alec was brought back to life when he heard the panic in his parabatai’s voice. He couldn’t react quick enough, though. A demon jumped into his chest and knocked him to the ground. He felt like his lungs had collapsed underneath the demons weight. In the process of the tumble, Alec’s arrows had fallen out of his quiver, leaving him to improvise. The demon was sitting on his weapons belt, where he kept his seraph blade, so he made do with his quiver. The demon bore a circular row of fangs which were dripping venom. Alec used his quiver to keep the demon from reaching his neck, but it was becoming harder to do so once the demon clasped his dry hands around the Nephilim’s neck.  
“Alec!” Out of the corner of his eye, Alec could see Jace struggling to get to him. He had three demons on him, but the fear that flowed through their bond gave Jace the adrenaline he needed to fight off the enemy. It was becoming harder to breathe. Black spots began to appear and he temporarily lost consciousness until the weight was lifted off his chest. He vaguely heard Jace let out a grunt as he stabbed the demon on top of his other half. “C’mon, get up!” Alec coughed as he was lifted to his feet by his arm. He didn’t notice, due to adrenaline, of being revived, but as a last resort before the demon died, it extended it’s stinger and was able to graze Alec’s skin across his torso. Alec hissed at the sudden sting, but after that felt nothing. Jace propped him up against a tree, “are you ok?” Jace cupped his face and through blurred vision, Alec caught a glimpse of affection.  
“Yeah,” he replied after a coughing fit. “Just got the wind knocked out of me and my back is a little sore from falling on my quiver, but I’ll survive.”  
“Ok, I’ll apply an iratze once we get back home. We need to leave before another attack happens.” Alec nodded his head in agreement and Jace gave him his hand that was on his face to help his parabatai up. In the back of Jace’s mind, he was thinking ‘I almost lost you, my blue-eyed angel.’ He let the thought escape his mind as he saw Alec walk away from the battle with only minor injuries. He reminded himself that Alec was ok and that he wasn’t- he hadn’t lost him tonight.  
Clary joined the two boys on the outside of the park as she had to chase a demon down. She was covered in ichor and had a cut across her left eyebrow, but other than that, she appeared to be in good health. Once they made it back to the Institute, Clary excused herself to take a shower and told Izzy she managed to get a sample of a demon before killing it. Izzy retired to the lab, making do with the sample. Jace followed Alec to his room.  
“What?” Alec exclaimed confused.  
“I said I was going to apply an iratze when we got back.”  
“Oh yeah, ok.” Alec stripped his mission jacket off and removed his shirt so Jace could apply the rune. Jace traced the burned skin on Alec’s body, just above his left hip bone. The pain was gone immediately and he was left with only a few bruises on his back from falling on his quiver. The demon cut that went unnoticed by the both of them also stitched itself together. Alec hissed at the burning pressure, but sighed with relief as the pain went away. He felt better instantly. “Thanks,” he whispered in a husky voice. Jace licked his lips to keep from making a complete fool of himself.  
“Yeah, right. What are parabatai for?” Stupid. Stupid, Jace. How idiotic can you possibly be? Alec looked towards the ground and nodded. Jace expected Alec to throw him out, but instead he was surprised.  
“So, I know we haven’t talked in a couple of days, but I was wondering what you wanted to do tomorrow?” For a moment, Jace almost forgot what tomorrow was, but he realized it was their parabatai anniversary.  
“I could ask Izzy for the day off for the both of us. She would understand. We could just hang around town together.” Alec laughed at this, but it wasn’t amusement. It was more so hurt and trying to find the offer appealing.  
“You sure we can muster that,” questioned Alec.  
“Why couldn’t we,” Jace asked flustered.  
“We’ve been running in circles around each other, trying to avoid other another. Do you think we can handle an entire day of making eye contact and holding a legitimate conversation?” Alec did have a point. Jace had made it a priority to ease Alec’s suffering by sparing him from having to look at his idiotic parabatai, but also Jace was torn for expressing his true desires to his parabatai.  
“Alec, it’s our day. I’m sure we can muster being civil even though we aren’t on the best of terms right now. It might even help us find some common ground.”  
“I agree,” he looked up from the ground. “I don’t want to fight on our day.”  
“Neither do I.”  
They sat in silence, but it was becoming too suffocating for Alec. He didn’t want to push Jace out, because honestly, fighting the person who had the other half of your soul was not only physically damaging, but emotionally exhausting. “Jace-”  
“Yes,” Jace perked up. It was in that moment Alec caught a glimpse of something that gave him a silver lining of hope, but he quickly let it fade. He had just said he didn’t want to fight Jace on their parabatai anniversary, and the look he received would appear to do just that because it was the look of love. The look of affection on a higher level.  
Alec didn’t know why he had called Jace’s name, so he made something up. “Thanks for saving me.”  
“I’ll always save you.” His heterochromia eyes bled love.  
“I know, it’s just with everything, it felt special to feel more than pain through our bond, even if it was fear for one of our lives.” Alec chuckled, but Jace did not.  
“Don’t ever doubt me, Alec. You can give up hope in all the good of humanity, but not me. Never me,” Jace barked firmly. He wasn’t angry, but he wanted Alec to know he would never abandon him. “Don’t ever doubt my love for you.”  
“Jace, please,” Alec shuttered, “don’t do this.”  
“Don’t do what, Alec! Tell you how I feel? That’s the whole reason why we’re fighting because I failed to tell you how I feel.”  
“You don’t have to explain.” Alec looked at him, attempting to keep the tears at bay. He cursed Jace in his head, ‘how can you make me feel this way? Why do I always come back to you?’ “I should have understood that it was a shock. I mean I’ve known for eight years and it took me that long to formulate my words. How could I expect you to respond in two minutes?”  
“Because I’ve known for a year,” Jace blurted and immediately regretted it. He didn’t regret saying it, but rather how he said it. He wanted to tell Alec how he felt laced in affection, not out on a whim. It also sounded unsure and misleading.  
“You mean, you… you knew I- you knew I liked you,” Alec replied, stumbling over his words. If Jace had never seen a kicked puppy, he would have now after looking at Alec’s expression.  
“No,” Jace clarified. He was about to expose himself and he knew he never felt more vulnerable than he did now. He was about to let whatever forces destroy Alec because they would finally know that Alec isn’t his ultimate weakness for being his parabatai, but rather the person he loved more than life itself. To love was to destroy, and by the angel was he destroying what they had by keeping Alec in the dark. “I’ve known for a year that I’ve loved you.” He put his hand underneath Alec’s chin so that they would be eye to eye. “I don’t love you in a parabatai way, or a brotherly way. It’s more than that,” he cooed.  
Alec shook his head in disbelief and pushed Jace away as if he had burned him. “No, you’re just saying that. You don’t have to lie to me.”  
“I’m not lying,” he exclaimed also standing up. “My feelings are true. They’re real for you.”  
“You were still with Clary. You even hooked up with Maia,” Alec excused.  
“I know I did, and that was wrong of me. I was just scared and confused, I didn’t know what those feelings meant.”  
“My point exactly,” Alec exclaimed firmly, “you didn’t know what they meant then just like you don’t know what they mean now.”  
“Alec,” Jace grasped Alec’s wrist as he turned to walk away, “don’t tell me how I feel. I know that my feelings aren’t trivial.” Alec wiggled out of his grasp and gave a pained expression aimed at the floor. Thank the angel that he didn’t look at Jace because he wasn’t sure he could handle Alec’s sorrow for much longer.  
“How did you figure it out?”  
“You were always there. You never let me down. I never had that. I never had someone open up their arms without judgment or expect an explanation. With you, love is unconditional. I’ve never experienced that, so I’m sorry it took so long to realize. I’m sorry that I hurt you, but this, what I feel. It’s all for you. It’s genuine and it’s only for you.”  
“That’s what family does, Jace. That’s what brothers do. There’s nothing there.”  
“You would hold me and kiss me on the forehead when we younger, and I miss that. I could always be vulnerable around you.”  
“Jace,” Alec looked tired as he gazed at Jace. “You are my parabatai. You can always be vulnerable with me, but that doesn’t mean you’re in love with me.” Alec crossed his arms over his chest. “You miss our innocence. You miss being a child, and that’s ok.”  
“Alec, I’m not-”  
“Stop confusing your feelings, Jace. I mean nothing to you.”  
“That is a complete lie and you know it! How can you say that, Alec? How can you lie to my face by saying I don’t understand what I feel.”  
“The same way you looked me in the eyes and declared your false love for me.”  
“Alec, I,” words couldn’t come to him. He couldn’t fathom the thought of his parabatai ever hurting him, but by the angel had he done it and he did it good, but being a foolish Jace, he knew he would keep coming back until Alec understood.  
“I don’t mean anything to you in that regard. It’s ok, Jace, you don’t have to pretend. Please, just stop.” Alec left the room and wandered into darkness. Jace sat dumbfounded on Alec’s bed. His body was telling him to leave the room of the person who quite literally reached into his chest and ripped his heart into pieces, but his mind couldn’t send his legs signals to move. Jace stroked his parabatai rune and felt the burning sensation of the pain flowing through it; he hated worse that tomorrow they would shove it all down so they could keep their agreement of not fighting on their day. Before he left Alec’s room, he caught sight of a very meaningful picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I profusely apologize for the spacing yet again. I corrected it when I uploaded the story into Chapter Text, but when I previewed it, it reverted back to the original version. It frustrates me, so I know it frustrates all of you. I just hope this does not detour any of you from reading my story, but if it does, i understand. As some of you know, I am new to AO3. I haven't even been on here a week, so if anyone knows how to correct spacing within this forum, I would beso thankful to know how. 
> 
> Anyways, what did you guys think? Yay? Nay? Let's talk!


	4. I Did, I Can, I Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace questions his feelings because Alec conveniences him he was never in love with him after the fight.

“The way that you held me when nobody else would  
Maybe if I tell myself enough  
Maybe if I do”

~ “Over You” by Ingrid Michaelson feat. A Great Big World 

The alarm went off. Alec somewhat desperately wished he didn’t have to open his eyes. He didn’t want to face a world where his feelings were mocked by the one he loved the most. Although he remembered his promise from the night before, so he trudged his way out of bed. A quick shower and clothes change later, Alec was ready to face the day. He had made sure that he wrapped Jace’s gift last night; he stuck it in the pocket of his coat. When he went to Jace’s room, not bothering to knock since they never did, his parabatai wasn’t there. However, he found a note written for him on Jace’s pillow. The pillow note read: “Go to where we first met, where we went head to head.” Alec smiled at his parabatai’s cheesiness but knew where the clue led and decided to play along. 

Once he reached the main training room, he saw a board with a dagger holding a note in place at the bullseye. His bow and quiver were also draped over the target board. The second note read: “‘On the same side.’ Do you remember? That’s the first thing I said. Since we are always on and always will be on the same side, go to the first location where we were we could have bled.” The first place they could have bled? The first place they fought? It had to mean that. Alec had to travel through his memory for a bit, secretly hoping that that wasn’t the memory the memory demon had taken in order to get Clary’s memories back. Thank the angel it wasn’t, because he suddenly remembered the exact location. 

They had first fought together in an abandoned warehouse off of 5th Avenue and 3rd Street; ironically, that was the first time they fought together when first brought out on the field to observe, the first place they fought together once they were cleared for missions, and the first place they fought as parabatai.  
The blue-eyed ravenette made his way to the warehouse in utter disbelief that his parabatai was being sentimental on the level of lovesickness. It was not, however, something new for Jace to become extremely soft when it came to his parabatai, especially on days like this. Alec came into the warehouse and climbed the stairs to get the top floor, where they had previously battled. He wasn’t startled when someone charged at him but slightly shocked by what they had said: “backhand.” 

Alec immediately knew what the voice was referencing and kneeled, bringing his sword behind his back. He could hear the person pant behind him and he laughed; he felt the lightest he had in days. Alec thrust his sword up so Jace would stumble back and then jumped in the air only to leave Jace with the option of kneeling and cradling his sword with both hands for self-defense. Jace was easily able to come back and they engaged in a playful reenactment of their first battle together as parabatai. It ended with Alec pinning Jace against the wall with a sword to his neck. He recited his words with just as much power, anger, and fear as he had that night, “By the angel, why did I bind myself to someone with a death wish? Don’t you ever get yourself killed!” He brought his hand to grab the nape of Jace’s neck so he was forced to make eye contact with him. Jace breathed a smile as he knew exactly where this was going and was even caught off guard that Alec had pinned him in the exact same spot with the correct hand as he had that night.  
“With you by my side, I’ll never face death again.” Jace quoted himself from all those years ago. Both boys held their gaze and relished in the love they felt for one another, but they didn’t surpass the extent that would lead to a conversation about the night before. 

“What are we doing here?”

“I thought we could recreate some important parabatai moments throughout the day,” Jace explained once he was released from Alec’s hold. He tried to not think about how he craved it back. Last night, after Alec said his peace, Jace did begin to wonder if he actually felt the way he proclaimed. 

“Oh really? What’s next on the list?”

“Ah ah ah, not so fast. I do have a gift for you before we go to our next spot.”

That caught Alec off guard; he hadn’t expected a present after this grand gesture, and finding out that it would continue throughout the day. Then again, he reminded himself that Jace was genuinely a soft, vulnerable soul underneath the arrogant, tough soldier exterior. “You did?”

“Of course, what’s an eighth parabatai anniversary without presents?” Jace laughed and walked behind the pillar where he hid the gift. As he walked back, he said, “it’s nothing extravagant, but I think it’ll work, especially after last night’s attack.” He handed Alec the gift concealed in the box. Alec gasped as he drew a new bow and quiver; they were traced in runes of gold, an ability Jace had just recently discovered after the downfall of the war.

“Jace, they’re perfect. I love them.” He brought Jace into a hug, and willed himself to not lose composure in is parabatai’s grasp. He never regretted his parabatai, but becoming older and more comfortable with his sexuality made it harder for him to accept that there was a limit on their love and physical touch; he craved more. He was greedy like that. ‘I’m greedy to want more,’ Alec thought as he pulled away from the hug. ‘Is it too late to actually think Jace might love me,’ he continued to think. ‘Can I convince him to love me like that, like how he said he did last night? No, he doesn’t love you in that way; he just said that,’ Alec reminded himself. ‘He doesn’t know how I feel in a sense that that’s not what he’s feeling.’ Alec quickly brought himself to the present and out of his thoughts. “I got you something too.” Alec pulled the gift from his coat pocket. “Now, it’s not as great as your gift, but I think the meaning will be enough.” He almost couldn’t finish his sentence as Jace gasped, bringing his surprised expression into a grin. It was the picture from last night. Jace thumbed the picture and then he dared to reach and trace the rune on Alec’s body. Alec stepped closer so the light stroke would become a touch. He found himself doing the same, stroking the black skin above Jace’s left hip bone. 

“Alec, I-,” he was at lost for words. It was the picture from last night. It was of them immediately after their parabatai ceremony. They each had an arm wrapped around the other’s shoulders and the other hand pointing at the left side of their bodies where their new parabatai runes were located. Their shirts were slightly raised to show the newly burned skin. It was a permanent promise of forever. “Alec,I-,” he tried again, “thank you.” That was all he could muster, but he knew Alec got the underlying message: “I love you.” The photograph conveyed much more meaning than words could explain. Jace was unexplainably grateful for his gift. They retracted from touching one another’s bodies and made their way to the roof. Alec had wanted to test try his new arrows out. He released one and was able to see the distance it went; they were perfect. What he hadn’t expected was for the arrow to reappear back in his quiver. 

“I asked the Iron Sisters to create them where they come back to the owner, you. I couldn’t have golden arrows disintegrate or just go to somebody else,” Jace explained once he received a look of confusion from his blue-eyed angel. ‘Stop it, Jace,’ he thought; ‘you don’t love him, not in that way’. Jace was really trying to push the thought further away, but he could already tell, before this day of celebration had begun, he would be fighting his own demons of temptation. 

“C’mon, let’s go to the next spot,” Alec stated like an excited child and pulled Jace by the wrist behind him. Jace next took them to an alley leading to Hotel Dumort where he had first applied an iratze to Alec. He had received a cut above his heart a little too deep for Jace’s liking, although he protested he was fine. Alec chooses the third location they visited which was one of the fountains located in Central Park; a demon had pushed the both of them into it and then proceeded to spew ichor. The boys glamoured themselves and got into the fountain. They laughed the day away and could feel that the tension was gone by the end of it. Alec had even come to Jace’s room to stay the night with him since a storm was coming. Jace had never been so thankful to Raziel for a storm. They laid in the bed, shirtless, telling hilarious stories of their childhood, mostly the mischief Alec had to get Jace out of. When the first thunderbolt cracked, Alec cradled the younger boy to his chest. Jace’s golden hair tickled his nose, but Alec was able to adore the Adonic body before him. Alec held him closer as the storm picked up and stroked his hair. Jace had wrapped himself around Alec’s torso, repeatedly tracing the parabatai rune. In that moment, everything felt perfect. Jace, nor Alec, even let the thought that this was temporary cross their minds. They lived in the now, escaping into one another’s grasp.

However, perfect didn’t last long as a little bit before 1 a.m., Alec began to cough in hysterics. He still held onto Jace, however, his grip became more so panicked, as if trying to hold onto something when falling. “Alec,” Jace breathed out. His breathing was becoming erratic as well. He felt as if someone was crushing his chest and choking him at the same time. Jace’s chest burned from tightness and his parabatai rune was ablaze with a painful, fiery sensation. “Alec.” Alec’s nose began to drip blood, coating Jace’s golden hair, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He began to seize. As his body shock abnormally, Jace was weakly able to get out of his hold. “Alec!” Jace stumbled out into the hall to get help, holding his chest and parabatai rune. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t lose his other half. Not now. Not today. Especially not today. Not ever.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Izzy plus two other Shadowhunters came to collect Alec’s seizing body with Clary making up the rear. Jace knew his baby sister was in pain and was poker facing the ordeal, but he couldn’t will himself from his fetal-like position against the wall to comfort her, as the pain became too much to bear. Clary picked him up and dragged him to be with his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is the spacing better? I think so. I think I've finally figured it out, thank goodness!
> 
> Yay? Nay? Does Jace have feelings for Alec or not? What's wrong with Alec? Did you guys like how they celebrated their parabatai anniversary? Let me know! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	5. How to Save a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Alec is still unconscious, Jace considers taking things, officially, with Alec to a new level.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I profusely apologize for not updating sooner, and especially for leaving you guys on a cliffhanger for so long. Nevertheless, I'm back! In order to apologize for my long delay in updating, I will upload three chapters today for each week that I have missed since the last time I posted. 
> 
> Thanks for bearing with me and continuing to read my story. It means a lot to me!
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy these next three chapters!

“Between the lines of fear and blame  
You begin to wonder why you came”

~ “How to Save a Life” by The Fray

He sat. He waited. They ran tests. They debated. They said it was easy to miss. The one on the bed would pull through. However, the one on the bed did not move. Jace sat in the unsettling comfortableness of the Institute infirmary. He held onto Alec’s cold, clammy hands, but thanked the angel for every second he received a tight grip. Alec no longer felt distant, but rather stuck in shallow water, and Jace was constantly shouting at him to remind Alec that it was time to leave. It was time to follow, follow his parabatai into the light, so he could be saved from the darkness. Jace was safe on shore, while Alec was slowly drowning in shallow water.

  
He could feel the emotions channeled by his unconscious parabatai. Some of it was warmth, some of it was relaxed, but a majority of the pulse was fear. Jace didn’t understand why at first, but now, after sitting in a chair he has become too friendly with over the extensive hours, he understands. He understands how Alec dreads feeling like he’s not enough; how he always wants to please everybody; how he can’t rid himself of guilt from things he can’t control. Most of all, his fear of facing Jace.

  
It was known for them to become overly affectionate and protective when the other came close to death. Even in his unconscious state, Alec knew Jace would want to talk, and not the “I need you, parabatai” talk, but the conversation which would involve them delving into how they truly felt: a Shadowhunter’s worst nightmare. Emotions were a distraction; that’s how they were trained. They were a weakness; they allow for the enemy to play with your mind, heart, and soul.

  
Jace thought of how wonderful it was to be in Alec’s clutch, for him to feel wanted. He was appeased by giving into his desires of the night before, but he wanted more. He wanted more with Alec. Sitting here, in this dimly lit room, didn’t emphasize his previous feelings, but rather ignite the rage to fight for Alec on a higher level. Jace didn’t know how and he didn’t know when, but Alec would be his one day. Not just half a soul, but a whole soul. They would become one soul. Most importantly, no one would ever have Alec’s heart, except for him. Jace needed Alec to know the way he had desired him. The way that love and lust slowly combined when he looked at him with his all in his eyes. Jace couldn’t just tell him, no he’d have to prove it. ‘Alec had already tried to convince me I didn’t feel the same way,’ he thought. ‘Well screw protocol, I’m in love with you,’ Jace proudly proclaimed in his head. While actions do speak louder than words, Jace knew Alec needed reaffirmation, not because he doubts Jace, but rather his own insecurity of believing he does not deserve happiness. Again, Jace thought, ‘screw protocol, I’m in love with you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys think Jace will be able to convince Alec he loves him?


	6. Can He Love You Like I Can?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jace confronts Alec about taking things to a new level, officially, Alec brushes him off for another blind date.

“He could be a stranger you gave a second glance  
He could be a trophy of a one night stand  
He could have your humor, but I don’t understand  
‘Cause he’ll never love you like I can, can, can”

~ “Like I Can” by Sam Smith 

Alec opened his eyes to a blurry, dissonant world. Nothing was in its place and the world he saw was in multiples. The thoughts in his mind didn’t make sense. His heart didn’t make sense. His body didn’t make sense. How could he, first, want a boy? Secondly, how could he want his parabatai, something forbidden? He had fought and overcome his first obstacle, now comfortable in his own sexuality. That was not to say he wouldn’t mind the frequent whispers and occasional side glances to stop, however, whatever man he fell in love with, he would be the one and only. Alec would protect his man from anything and everything, even if it killed him. He would love him so hard that Alec would hurt him for passing so early. Shadowhunters tended to have a short lifespan for spending a majority of their lives on the battlefield or in dangerous political matters. Alec would hold his love with such fierceness, yet tenderness. His love would never doubt that they were his only one because he would look at him as the only one in the world. The world melted away; no one else mattered. Nothing else mattered. Alec would show a side of himself he had never shown anyone else just for his love and give him something no one else would ever have, his body. While Alec didn’t value too many traditions as he got older, he did believe in waiting until marriage, a moral Jace obviously didn’t share. ‘No,’ he thought. Even in his half comatose state, he still thought about the blonde. His golden boy. ‘Scratch that,’ Alec thinks, ‘he’s not yours, not in that way, never in that way.’ However, it was just two days ago, or what he thought was two days ago, when Jace confessed to loving him back in that way. Alec didn’t believe him. Or maybe he did, but didn’t want to risk the possibility of it being an experiment. He didn’t think he could be one of Jace’s flings. He could handle unrequited love, but giving his all and then being thrown away after one, hot passionate night would destroy him. By the angel, Jace wasn’t kidding when he said “to love is to destroy.” That was the one truth Valentine had told him. Then again, “pain fades just like love does,” something else Jace also says. But when would it?

Alec hadn’t noticed how warm his left hand was; he noticed the heaviness, but that was a usual effect of regaining consciousness. It took more effort than he’d like to admit, but Alec had managed to turn and face the source of the warmth. Jace. His disheveled golden hair covered his face and his heterochromic eyes were shut. However, this didn’t appear to be a peaceful slumber. No, not at all. His brows were frowned and he had a crease going down the middle of his forehead. That only appeared when he was in deep thought or panic. Alec couldn’t bare to watch him sleep in misery, so he slightly moved his hand. Jace had always been a light sleeper, so the slightest movement would jolt him awake and he would be in Shadowhunter mode. Come to think of it, Alec wasn’t sure if Jace ever came out of defense, even when he was vulnerable, he was always prepared for an attack. However, he, himself was the same way; Alec never let his guard down completely and he couldn’t think of a time he had. Maybe as a child, like a toddler, but never since he entered the battlefield. Jace jolted awake, as Alec had expected. His grip on Alec’s hand became firmer and he quickly scanned the infirmary room before he registered that Alec was awake. When he did notice, his expression softened. He even smiled a little as the crease from his forehead faded. 

Jace couldn’t resist the urge to hug his parabatai. He was thankful he was looking his parabatai in the eyes and not sending his soul to the heavens. “You’re ok now,” Jace whispered in a tone that sounded as if it were meant to reassure himself. 

“I’m ok, thanks to you.” Alec was slowly regaining his memory from the night before and took comfort in how complete he felt with clutching on to Jace last night. Their bodies entangled in perfect unison. It felt right and Alec had a silver lining thought that if Jace had meant his words, then last night was everything he ever wanted. Although, Alec being Alec, he shot down the idea as quickly as it had entered his mind.  
“You’ve been out for three days.”

“Three days?” Alec was astonished. It only felt like a day at most. He wasn’t surprised by the answer he was going to receive when he asked, “you never left, did you?”

“They had to force me to go to the bathroom,” Jace attempted to lightly joke, however, the somberness was still there. “You really scared me.” Jace had gently clasped Alec’s nape to look him in the eyes. His striking blues were dull. That saddened Jace’s heart even more, but he tried his best to remember that Alec was going to be fine. 

“What happened?” 

“During the demon attack, you must have been cut. Venom was in your bloodstream and neither of us knew. The iratze wasn’t enough to heal that particular wound, only delay its effect.” The ravenette nodded his head in understanding. He didn’t feel as bad as he did when he got poisoned, but he still felt as if he were ran over a bus. 

“Thanks for staying with me. I could feel you pulling me through.”

“It’s what I’m here for.” Jace released Alec’s nape and leaned back in his chair, finally losing the feeling of being on edge for the past few days. 

They sat in silence. They relished in the relief of having one another for another day. Jace felt another heaviness in his chest: he needed to convince Alec his feelings weren’t trivial. This wasn’t some sort of experimentation. This was real. There was not a thread of fabrication in what Jace desired. He had to be just as willing to be upfront and fight for his boy, for the right to call Alec his boy and have it mean in a lover’s way. He had time to think of how he would do exactly that in the three days he sat by an unmoving Alec. The biggest obstacle wouldn’t be the relationship itself, no, it would be getting there. Jace also knew that he would get hurt along the way; he would be hurt by Alec, and he had made peace with that. He had hurt Alec and he wouldn’t blame Alec if he wanted to hurt his parabatai, although Jace knew that intentional hurt was out of the question for Alec. The only intentional hurt he would receive from Alec would be if he were to die first, because that aspect of the parabatai bond was unavoidable, unfortunately. Jace knew it would hurt to hear Alec say, yet again, that he was confusing his feelings. He was about to prove him wrong. 

…

 

Alec only remained in the infirmary two days after he woke up. Though they had yet to have a full conversation, Alec and Jace were on good terms and were happy. They enjoyed one another’s presence and company. They wanted to train together once more. They enjoyed the laughter they shared and the lack of tension. It wasn’t something that they brushed off and they were trying to compensate for it by acting happy; no, this was real. They both had a silent agreement that they would talk when they both needed it and when the timing was appropriate. Not much time though had passed before Jace felt the need to put his plan into play, roughly a week and a half. 

Jace had caught Alec coming out of his room one morning. “Hey, Alec!” Jace called out to his parabatai as he jogged to catch up with him. Alec turned to face him. He had a smile on his face and his eyes had returned to their striking blue color. 

“Hey.” Alec’s smile reached his ears. 

Jace grabbed his wrist and took it as a good sign when Alec didn’t pull away. He all of a sudden became flustered. “I was - I was, was wondering if you, um, if you, if you…”

“Yes, Jace?” Alec became curious because Jace was never flustered; he was always sure of himself. Alec always contradicts himself with these thoughts since Jace never lied and since Jace never lied, Alec knew the confession of his feelings were true. He was just scared to believe it. It was easy to avoid the unknown because the unknown was terrifying. “Hey,” he reached out to stroke Jace’s shoulder in reassurance, “you can tell me anything.” Feeling the disturbance through their bond, Alec added for good measure, “I promise.”

With a shaky breath, Jace took the plunge, thankful for the reassurance. “I like you, Alec. Not in a brotherly way or a parabatai way. Alec, I need you and I want you. I know that I haven’t been the best at communicating my feelings, but I’ve felt this way for over a year. This isn’t going away, so please, Alec, give me a chance. Give me the opportunity and the honor to make you happy.”

Alec was speechless. That was it; that was the moment he had been waiting for eight years. Yet, it didn’t feel right. Alec couldn’t give in to what he wanted. Something more than fear was holding him back, it was hurt. He slid his wrist from Jace’s grip and walked away. He remained silent just as Jace had when he declared his love. Alec was positive he heard Jace’s heart break and he could hear the sob caught in his parabatai’s throat. He didn’t give Jace a second glance. 

The day went on as is and the boys made nothing of their conversation before. They acted civil around one another, but this felt like an act. This felt like they were back to square one. They had come full circle. 

Alec had a bittersweet night as he prepared for his date. He and his blind date from before made plans to meet again the following week after their initial meeting, but due to Alec’s incident, they had postponed it until tonight. He wore a midnight blue dress shirt and black jeans with a pair of black combat boots. As he walked out his door, he stopped in his tracks when he came across a picture of he and Jace a few weeks before Clary had showed up. They would have never thought life would have changed from that moment. Izzy had taken the picture on her phone. It was of him holding his bow, ready to aim his arrow, and Jace had two daggers, one in each hand. Jace was in a slight squat and hand his right arm above his head, with his left hand below his waist. He sighed. He missed that. Before walking out his bedroom, Alec allowed himself to admire another picture, however this one was on his nightstand instead of his shelf. He believe that particular picture was his favorite; it was also taken by Izzy, years ago, on her phone as she was excited to finally have one. That picture was taken shortly after Jace had arrived at the New York Institute and after he began to open up to Alec. Both boys were in mid laughter and Alec had Jace on his back. Alec thumbed the picture and momentarily mourned his innocence from his childhood. He missed not having to explain how and why he liked someone; his missed the non existent anxiety of feeling emotions; mostly, he missed the ease of loving Jace, back when he didn’t have to define it, label it. His phone went off. The text read, “see you in 15 :)!” Alec had a date. 

“You look nice.” 

“Thanks.” The compliment was somber, as if the person were trying to be happy for the other when they really weren’t. Alec understood that. He understood all too well what Jace was experiencing right now. Maybe he had a little too much expertise in that area. That didn’t mean it was any easier. Maybe it hurt just as bad because hurt was built on top of hurt. Alec had passed the ops center, where Jace was, in order to walk out the front door of the Institute. Alec studied Jace’s face. It was written in hurt, longing, desperation, and a hint of determination. They both knew this wasn’t the end. They didn’t know how far they were willing to go. They didn’t know how much damage would be caused before someone yielded, but this, to Jace, felt like the last straw. This was the second time he watched Alec walk away to be with another and the third time he walked away from him in general. “I’m sorry,” said Alec. The worst part was that Alec knew Jace knew he was sorry. Jace knew.  
“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your opinions about Alec's reaction to Jace's confession?


	7. Hurt Me Like You Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gives in to his feelings for Jace.

“But now when we’re face to face you won’t look me in the eye  
No time not friendship no love”

~ “Fool of Me” by Me’Shell Ndegéocello 

Alec sat on his bed that night and recalled his date from earlier. He laughed. He loved the food. The music was good. His choice of drink was perfect. His date was flawless. The person he was with was fantastic, however, he couldn’t bring himself to be there completely. Another piece of Magnus’s advice ran through his head the entire night, “Never chase someone else while you’re in love with another. That doesn’t work. You can’t forget the one you crave. Why do you think flings hurt? They are only a temporary abstinence for the pain you feel, same with alcohol, same with shooting arrows of the Institute roof.” By the angel was that true. Thankfully, his date understood that. He had tried to set up another date, but Alec told him in the simplest terms that he couldn’t do it; there was someone else. Alec’s date, in turn, said he wanted this so he could know if he was ready to get back out there; his previous relationship had abused his trust and he didn’t want to wallow in pain, so he thrust himself back into dating. Alec respected that and wished him well. Before they parted ways, they did, however, mention that they wanted to still be involved in one another lives as friends, and Alec truly felt they would be. 

Alec was tired of being scared and if he had to get hurt for even the smallest chance of having the love he always dreamed of since he hit puberty, then he’ll take it. He went against the odds every day. Who’s to say they wouldn’t work out in his favor? Alec pushed himself off the bed and walked, determined, to Jace’s bedroom. He knew the blonde was up; he could sense it through the bond. He flung the door open and saw Jace jumped off his bed in defense. Jace opened his mouth to speak, however, Alec cut him off. “Before you say anything to push me away, I need to know why. I need to know why now. Why are you doing this?” Both were engaged in an intense stare. Jace looked small with vulnerability and Alec appeared determined with passion. 

“I pushed it away,” Jace finally spoke. “Every good thing that I’ve had, Alec, has been taken away from me. I couldn’t let that happen to you. You know as well as anyone that the life I led before I came here, came to you,” Jace took a step closer, “I never knew love. I thought you had to earn it; it was never a given. I thought you had to get beaten for it. That was terrifying just as this is now. I loved you like a brother first, but that was then. This is now.” Jace took Alec’s right hand into his own. “It might be strange how we got here, but it doesn’t matter to me. Some of the best love stories are the craziest ones because they show that the two can survive any circumstance. I know that I’ve hurt you, but let me make it up to you. Let me repay the boy who taught me, showed me how to love and to do it unconditionally. Let me show him he taught me well and that I’m going to fight for what’s mine.” Jace touched Alec’s cheek. “Let me repay him by loving the man he is now.” Jace dropped his hand and returned it to holding Alec’s. “The only thing that will stop me is you telling me you don't want this because I know you feel the same, because you are mine. You are mine, Alec!”

Alec stoked Jace’s cheek, causing his love to gently shut his eyes and shed a tear he didn’t know was there. Alec whipped the tear away. “He hurt you so badly.” He spoke in a hushed voice. Jace was still vulnerable from his abuse as a child.

“He led me to you though, the greatest thing I ever had.” Jace lifted one hand cradled on the other to the hand Alec had on his cheek. 

“For eight years, I’ve waited for this moment.” Jace took a sharp intake, feeling the sting of guilt. “I only ever had this in a dream,” Alec whispered.

“Now you can have the real thing,” Jace encouraged. “You can have me, Alec. I want you to have me.”

“I want you too,” Alec replied, finally looking at his golden boy in the eye. His and he could finally mean his in the pretense that he wanted. Jace was finally his. Completely his. Here, on September 27th, he could claim Jace as his own. No one would ever have Jace’s heart now. He had Jace’s soul, and now his heart. All along, when he thought his life would be miserable forever, in actuality, all the pain had led to this moment right here. Before he knew it, Alec was walking towards the bed, pushing Jace back. “I’ve always wanted you.” He kissed him before they tripped onto the bed. His hand was still on Jace’s cheek, so he moved his other hand to his face. Jace brought his hands to Alec’s already messy hair. “And you never wanted me,” Alec breathed through kisses.

“I’m sorry.” Jace apologized as he bit Alec’s earlobe, a sign to show he really did love him. Alec pinned Jace’s arms above his hands momentarily as his kissed Jace’s neck hard. Jace hissed in pain but then relaxed. 

“I know.” Alec released the skin from Jace’s neck. It was turning purple and pulsating. 

“I’ve got a year’s worth of kisses to make up for.” Jace laughed in pleasure and pulled off Alec’s shirt. Since Jace’s shirt was already off, Alec began to lightly touch his abs. Jace’s smile grew wider; however, when Alec reached his sweatpants line, Jace panicked. Alec felt him stiffen. Alec stopped. He looked at the golden eyes of his lover intently and saw fear.

“Alec,” Jace croaked out of a sob, “please don’t hurt me.” The sentence was barely audible as his throat was lodged with pain and fear. Jace’s face was wet with tears. At that moment, Alec understood that even though Jace had taken the next step before, it had never meant anything. What Alec was implying right now would be new for Jace. It would be overwhelming physically, but mostly emotionally. Jace was still a virgin. A virgin for never having experienced the real thing. They were both amateurs. They would be each other's firsts. Alec kissed him on the lips gently, the first time gentleness was used since he came crashing in. Jace looked like a child. An abused child begging for no more, yet screaming for affection. Alec brought Jace’s hands to his waist to give him a sense of security and he cupped his hands on Jace’s face to ease the anxiety. 

“I’m never going to hurt you.” Alec didn't proceed any further then a few kisses and hickeys. He didn’t want anything if Jace didn’t, whether that be physical, mental, emotional, tangible, or intangible. He lay next to Jace, who was also on his side, after what felt like a blissful eternity. Both of their lips were pink a swollen. Jace’s lips had a bit more of a red tint to them as Alec did draw blood, but Jace didn’t seem to care; he just brushed the blood on whatever part of Alec’s body he touched. Alec had thumbed his lip to signal for Jace to kiss him on the lips as he bleed. Jace understood and did just that. Now, Alec was looking at his masterpiece, his work of art that he covered in bruises in an affectionate way. Jace intertwined their fingers. Alec was on the right side of the bed, and Jace took the left. Both lay in silence, shirtless. Jace continued to play with their fingers until he spoke: “I’m never going to hurt you either. Not again.” Alec saw a burning fire of firmness in his eyes. He believed him. He believed in everything he said. He believed that they would be alright. They had apologized and had started a new slate. There was no going back; no more dwindling in the past. They had both finally gotten what they wanted.

“I know.”

…

“Morning, sunshine,” Jace joked. The first rays of sunshine had streamed through his room, making his golden hair appear even more angelic. Sleepily, Alec basked in his lover’s glory.

“Morning,” Alec cooed, slipping his head back between the crock of Jace’s neck. 

“We should get up,” although, Jace made no incline to move. He stayed brushing Alec’s toned biceps, up and down, up and down. 

Alec whined. “A few more minutes,” he signed coming out from his place on Jace’s body again. 

“We have to get up. The rest of the Institute will be up soon.”

“Let them get up. I don't want to leave this fantasy I’m in.”

“I’m always going to be here,” Jace replied smiling down at him.

“I know,” Alec looked up at him, “I just want to savor this moment.”

Jace sighed, but not out of frustration, no, it was happiness. He was more than happy to oblige to Alec’s request because honestly, he didn’t want to leave this moment either. He could hold Alec in his arms forever and never tire, never get bored. He realized all he wanted in life was in this moment. What more could he want? How could life get any better? They sat in silence. It was their favorite thing to do. No words had to be exchanged for the other person to understand or listen. No kiss had to be taken so they would know each other’s touch. Negative thoughts didn’t occur because they had their lifelines, their soulmates to block them out. The silence was their peace, their own little piece of heaven. 

“Jace?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You can ask me anything.” A term that had become their own like “I know,” Jace added: “I promise.” Both phrases held so much hidden meaning. It sounded so simple, but the underlying meaning was a multitude. 

Alec waited a moment before he continued. “When you said ‘please, don’t hurt me,’ last night, I understood. I understood how you didn’t want to...” Alec wasn’t quite sure how to finish the sentence, but he knew the topic had to be addressed because it was more than sex that scared Jace, no, there was a deeper meaning. 

Jace tensed up but answered his question nonetheless. He looked down at his love. “I’ve had no bad experiences, and no one has ever forced me to do anything I didn’t want, but last night was different. I was actually vulnerable. I wasn’t just a face someone was going to forget. I wasn’t just a body that I thought someone might remember. I wasn’t just that fling or that hook up that was passionate, but never enough, never any genuine to go anywhere. When I saw you, I saw all of that and how meaningless it was. I was a virgin again. I didn't know anything. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to react. It was all so new and just as overwhelming as it was the first time.” 

“You were scared.”

“I was scared out my wits the first time," Jace confirmed. "Raziel couldn’t have even calmed me down. It's scary that your body can react the way it does. It’s sloppy, it’s crazy, it’s funny. You’re actually with someone for the first time.”

“It wasn't just the physicality of it though.” Alec pushed his way up. “It was deeper than that.”

“I never want it to be about the physicality because that’s not love. I didn’t love my flings. I didn’t care about what they thought, what they said. A relationship is no relationship if it’s only about the bed. I don’t want that. I want someone that’s here. I want someone to accept me with damage and all. I want someone who’s willing to be with all my baggage because it comes with me.”

“You never meant it in a physical way, did you?”

“No.”

“You meant emotionally?”

“Yes.” True vulnerability. Take me or leave me is all Jace asks. Tell him to his face, but don’t lead him on. He could understand why Jace begged him to not hurt him because half the time physical led to misjudgment. Misjudgment led to being led on. No one wants their heartstrings tugged. No, it was never about that, but the abuse of fearing a heartbreak. Jace and Magnus were right, flings did hurt. Even when they meant nothing, they were stilled etched in your brain for you to remember when you find the real one why you were so desperate to get some in the first place. Flings aren’t about the physical. It all about the wrongful intentions you desired to get the emotional connection, to have that emotional ‘I know you’ support.

Alec admires Jace’s strength for telling him, instead of bottling up how he felt inside and let it go too far before he exploded. “It was never about the physical for me either.” 

Jace smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters in one day, woohoo! 
> 
> Again I do apologize for not updating sooner. Know that I did not abandon the story and I do have intentions of completing the story, life was just too hectic to update. Thanks once again for sticking with me! 
> 
> What do you guys think? Jalec is finally together! Let's see how the rest of their story pans out, shall we? Let me know what you guys think is going to happen int he comments. Thank you!


	8. Just Bent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months later, Alec tells Jace they should end things when he becomes the Head of New York Institute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the note at the bottom!! Thank you kindly!

“You’ve been having real bad dreams  
Oh oh, you used to lie so close to me  
Oh oh, there’s nothing more than empty sheets  
Between our love”

~ “Just Give Me A Reason” by P!nk feat. Nate Ruess

 

Jace awoke. He had been having this same dream, well, nightmare for the last week. He did his best to not awake Alec and calm his emotions, so Alec wouldn’t begin to worry through the bond. Sometimes having connected emotions wasn’t as beneficial as it was other times. There was no time you could lie and say you were alright because the other was feeling your distress. That didn’t mean Jace wasn’t trying to bury how he really felt, and he doesn’t doubt Alec has done the same. Jace is slightly thankful that Alec got knocked unconscious in today’s mission or else his light sleeper of a boyfriend would have woken up the moment the bed felt lighter. 

Jace made his way to the training room. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Rhythmic. That had never changed; the counts were always the same. Jace wished life could be the same as it has been these last two months forever. It didn’t even feel like months, but a matter of hours since he and Alec had finally gotten what they wanted. They wanted to take things slow; they knew each other as brothers, as parabatai, but never as lovers. They didn’t want to overstep because they both knew it would cause the other to draw back. They also were taking things slow, so they wouldn’t have a stronger desire to show public affection around work. If anyone ever found out that they were in a relationship, they would be deruned and sent to other ends of the world, or even death. To Jace, death was the better option out of the two. He didn’t want to live a second of knowing he could never have Alec in his life, regardless as to what the relation was. 

The golden eyed boy continued to whack at the striking bag, his golden hair falling into his eyes. He didn’t have a clue as to what time it was, but he figured that he had been going at it a while since the first rays of dawn began to appear. If he remembered correctly, the sky was a midnight color when he awoke. 

“I thought not wrapping knuckles was my thing,” a loving voice whispered. Jace felt arms wrap around his waist from behind and all his fear and tension left his body immediately. Exhaustion began to set in. Jace inhaled deeply.

“I see how you forget to.” The rest of what Jace wanted to say went left unsaid, as he knew his other half understood the implication. Jace understood how Alec and why Alec doesn’t wrap his knuckles when he’s in deep thought. 

Alec had his head on Jace’s shoulder. “Want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”

Jace turned around to face him, “sorry I woke you, babe.”

“It’s fine, love.” Alec knew Jace was trying to postpone the subject matter, but it would come out eventually. It would come out semi-pretty or ugly. Alec just hoped he could pry it out of his love before it became ugly though. 

“How about I get into the shower and then we can crawl back into bed?”

“Shouldn’t you go back to your room?”

“We still have some time before the rest of the Institute is up. Besides, I like waking up next to you,” said Jace as he wrapped his hands around Alec’s neck. 

“I like waking up next to you too.” Alec gave him a peck.

Alec heard the shower water turn off and he looked solemnly at the door. He wished Jace would tell him what he was thinking about. Alec had felt his uneasiness for the past week and every time Jace moved, woke up, or got out of bed, Alec knew. He also knew that Jace was doing his best to not wake him, and to not cause any further stress, so he played along. However, after a week of no communication, it was taking its toll on Alec. He had to know. He needed to know. 

The door unlocked and Jace walked over to the bed with his hair dripping. Jace began to kiss Alec like it was the last time he could. It was desperate; it was pained; it was worried; it was love. “Hey,” Alec pulled Jace off of him. He momentarily saw the hurt written in his lover’s eyes, but Jace quickly masked it with his cocky ego. 

“What? That bad? I just want to kiss my boyfriend.” Jace talked as if he reverted to the arrogant fling he once used to cover his emotions. Alec didn’t like where this was going.

“What’s wrong? You’re not talking to me.”

“Maybe I’m not talking because there’s nothing to talk about.” Jace leaned back in for more, but Alec pushed him away again. “What?” 

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not, Alec. I’m fine.”

“Then why did you get out of bed?”

“I had some extra energy, couldn’t fall asleep.”

“You have an answer for everything, don't you?” Alec looked away and would’ve gotten up to leave if Jace were not sitting on top of one of his legs. 

Jace cupped Alec’s face with his left hand, “hey, babe, wait.”

“Why aren’t you talking to me anymore? We’re supposed to help one another. That’s what I’m here for.”

Jace waited a long moment before he spoke. He could either continue lying about his well being or confess the truth. He opted to postpone the truth a little longer. “I thought you’d be out of it since you hit your head pretty hard earlier.” Alec deadpanned. “Ok,” Jace said finally giving in, “I haven’t said anything because I don't’ know what’s wrong. I just don’t know how to word it and I don’t want something to come out wrong if I don’t mean it. I want to have a clear head about it.”

“Ok.” Alec understood. Jace never liked to voice his concerns without being completely sure of himself. 

“Ok,” Jace repeated as he leaned in to kiss him. 

“Wait, Jace,” Alec said suddenly.

“What is it? What’s wrong,” Jace questioned with automatic fear. 

“You never kissed my head to make it feel better,” Alec whined like a child. He feigned pain so Jace would give him what he wanted, even though he knew he didn’t have to do that. Jace would give him what he wants regardless. 

“Hmm,” Jace exhaled, playing along. “Now what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t attend to my boyfriend's needs?” Jace loved the moments where they felt free enough from life to joke around.

“A pretty terrible one,” Alec laughed out. Jace kissed his head and Alec proceeded to attack his lips promptly afterward. 

“There’s an increase in demon attacks. Lydia is asking everyone to work on round the clock shifts. Whenever someone is off duty or on break, someone else has to step in,” Izzy explained. “Representatives of The Clave are coming here to examine if there is something that attracts more demons to New York. They are also bringing back up to help with the restless work schedule.” She, Clary, Simon, Magnus, Jace, and Alec were all gathered around one of the computers in the ops center. The number of demon attacks had been running the New York Institute Shadowhunters ragged. 

“What do we do until the reinforcements come in,” asked Clary. 

“We hold on until then,” Izzy replied. Everyone agreed and Magus, along with Luke and Simon agreed that they would help in any way they could. They would also recruit help from the rest of the downworld. Since the war, the downworlders and Shadowhunters have improved their relationship. Everyone dismissed and went their separate ways. Jace and Alec geared up to train before Lydia called Alec into her office. Alec obeyed and follow her to the room that was once his parents’. Lydia wasn’t a bad person; she was rather thoughtful and wanted the best for everyone. Lydia had even become one of his good friends over the course of her stay at New York Institute. He trusted her. 

“Would you mind closing the door, please?” Alec did as she asked. “Sit down.” Alec was weary; she wasn’t being her stern self, in fact, she was rather calm. He sat regardless. “As you know, The Clave is looking for a new head to run the Institute, and as the envoy, I have a direct say in who is appointed.” Alec knew where she was going, but didn’t get his hopes up just in case of the small possibility that she wasn’t hinting at what he thought. “I want you, Alec Lightwood, to be the next Head of New York Institute. You’re a fantastic soldier, one of the best the Shadow World has ever seen, and an even better diplomat. You have the necessary skills and qualifications of a leader. No one is better suited for this role more than you, Alec.” He had momentarily forgotten how to speak, so he just smiled. Lydia smiled too; she was really happy for her friend. “I will also be requesting you be appointed effective immediately. With the increase in demon attacks, it would be better to have a firmly cemented head in place for authority rather than switching power.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much, Lydia.” Alec got up to shake her hand. “You won’t be disappointed.”

“Believe me, I know I won’t be.” Her smile grew bigger and she stood up. She had gotten up from her chair and motioned for Alec to stand. “I believe this belongs to you now,” she declared motioning towards the chair and desk. 

Alec walked around to the back of the desk and laid his hands firmly on it, “not yet, but soon.” Lydia nodded her head in agreement. She and Alec just looked at one another for a moment and smiled. She knew how much this position meant to him and how he had been groomed to have it since birth. However, her smile didn’t last as long she wanted to. Alec noticed and immediately frowned his brow. Lydia hated being the bearer of bad news, especially in a celebratory moment, but she knew she had to tell him the full deal before he accepted. She would never want to betray someone who helped her transition to New York Institute easier. “There is a downside to this, however, Alec. I’m telling you this as a friend, not your boss.” Alec nodded his head for her to continue. She lowered her voice. “I suggest you drop whatever is happening between you and Jace. It wouldn’t be safe, for either of you. You’d be put on display much more than you have been as a soldier.” To someone who wasn’t as close to Alec, they wouldn’t have seen the waiver of conflict in his eyes, but Lydia knew him, and she saw it. “Don’t lie to me and say you don’t know what I’m talking about,” her voice remained lowered. 

Alec’s voice was deathly quiet. It was out of fear, but more so rage. He would defend Jace from anyone who tried to hurt him. Screw The Clave. “Who else knows?”

“As far as my knowledge goes, no one, except the obvious.” It was unspoken, but Alec knew Clary, Izzy, Simon, Luke, and Magnus knew. He had a slight inclination that had just been confirmed that Lydia knew. “I see how you are with one another. It has changed from more than just parabatai. I know you and Jace can control yourself, especially in circumstances as such, but I believe it would be best to not have them suspicious in the first place.” Alec was about to argue his point before she interrupted him. “Who knows how long the representatives will be here? How long will you and Jace be able to keep up a facade? You have desires and they only grow stronger when they aren’t met.”

“Why are you telling me? Why are you even offering me the job?”

“Because you are the most qualified, that’s the envoy answer, but as your friend, you deserve this more than anyone. I know how much this means to you. The Institute needs you a leader like you and you deserve to be happy.”

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to have Jace?” Their voices were still in whispers. 

“I know that’s why I told you before I made a final decision. I didn’t necessarily want you to have to pick between the two things you love the most, but I thought I should at least give you the opportunity.” Alec began to walk away. How was he supposed to chose? The Institute would be back in Lightwood hands, but he wouldn’t have Jace. On the other hand, he could keep Jace and give up dream position? I guess not all favors could in his odds. Maybe you couldn’t have everything you ever wanted. Maybe he was being selfish, greedy again. 

“I’m sorry.” Lydia really was sorry. She hated forcing someone she cared about into a corner, but she knew that Alec couldn't have both. She also knew Alec knew he couldn't have both. It wouldn’t have been safe for either of them. Somehow word would get out no matter how long the love-stricken parabatai were able to keep up the act.

“How long have you known?” Alec had his hand on the knob, ready to escape the impossible situation this room had brought.

“I saw the way you look at one another. It’s the way John and I used to look at one another, if not, even more, loved filled. It was inevitable for it not be just a parabatai thing between you.”

“Do you care?”

“If I cared in the way that you're implying, I would have reported the both of you two months ago.” Alec gave a pained expression. Here he was thinking he at least fooled Lydia who he only knew for a short while before he and Jace got together. If they hadn’t fooled someone who hadn’t been here that long, what about those whom they had known their entire lives. Lydia sensed his panic. “No one else knows, there would have been talk. Also, they can’t tell because they don’t know the intensity of having a parabatai. They just see you and Jace, nothing more.”

“But you don’t know either,” challenged Alec.

“No, I don’t,” Lydia confirmed, “yet, I do know the cruelty of not being able to be the one you truly desire because of some taboo law. I grew up around parabatai and a fair share of them fought Eros. For the majority of them, it was the fact that they couldn’t admit their Eros out loud that killed them after the other had passed. It wasn’t the insanity of losing half your soul. To me, the law is contradictory. How can you expect someone to not fall in love with the person who holds the other half of their soul? You’re just asking to destroy your own kind.”

Alec turned the knob and began to walk out before he stopped. “Lydia,” she looked up, “thank you.” 

“So, what did Lydia want?” Jac was practically a child trying to pry information out of Alec. He had rejoined him in the main training room.  
“Not here,” and Alec led him to a vacant hall that was rarely used in the Institute. It had led to the courtyard, but to the part that couldn’t sustain life much, so no one really there went anymore. They had used it on the occasion to escape the hectic workday or to not draw a suspension for spending so much time in one another’s rooms. Once they made their way to the vacant hallway, Alec opened the door to an empty storage room they no longer used anymore for safer measures, especially after what Lydia had just confided in him.

“So?” Jace was about to combust with curiosity. It amused Alec. He wanted to cherish this moment forever because he was sure he would soon have his heart ripped out. 

“You’re looking at the new Head of the Institute.”

Jace’s eyes gaped and his jaw dropped a good meter. “You serious?” He was elated. Jace knew Alec had wanted this almost as much as he wanted him. 

“Yes.” Alec was smiling, but it was becoming harder to mask the pain he was beginning to feel. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Jace, but he also couldn’t pass this opportunity up. The only reassurance he had that he would have a sliver of sanity left after he told Jace the complete truth was that Jace would understand. Jace knew how badly and how long he would want this. However, he had promised Jace he would never hurt him, especially not emotionally. Jace had begged him on their first night to not do exactly that. Just tell him, don’t lead him on, that would hurt less. This would destroy Jace. Yet again, to love was to destroy and by the angel, was Alec about to destroy his parabatai. He was already starting to think about him only in that regard again. Alec hated that. 

“Baby, that’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.” Jace hugged him and it could be classified as a bit more intimate than what parabatai would typically do. “I knew you could it.” Jace smiled one of the biggest grins Alec had ever seen on him. Alec didn’t want to take away Jace’s smile. Jace recognized Alec’s slightly dull facial expression. “What’s wrong? Shouldn’t you be happier, babe? You’ve wanted this for so long.” Jace cupped Alec’s face. 

Alec relaxed into his boyfriend’s touch. How he would miss calling Jace that so. He lied. “I guess I’m a little shell-shocked.” Jace immediately perked up again.

“I know, it must be a lot to take in.” He drew his hand away and Alec instantly missed it. “I’m so proud of you.” Jace kissed him. How Alec would miss his lips. “Tonight, we celebrate and then we’ll tell the others, ok?”

“Yeah, I want to share the moment with you, only, for a bit longer,” Alec replied placing his hands on Jace’s waist. He was going to enjoy his last seven moments in heaven.

“I love you so much, Alec.” Jace had his hands around Alec’s neck and he had no clue what had slipped out of his mouth. He didn’t regret saying it, but he panicked as it was the first time he, they in general, said it aloud. Jace was nervous at how Alec reacted. He had fear written all over his face as he stared into a more shell-shocked face of Alec. Seeing that he overstepped, Jace began to draw back, but Alec immediately crashed their lips together. 

As they drew a breath, Alec whispered, “I love you too, so much. More than you’ll ever know.” Jace’s heterochromatic eyes glistened as he smiled an even smile than before. This has just become even harder Alec thought.

Jace refused to tell Alec where they were going to celebrate tonight. He only knew that he needed to dress nicely. Alec chose a long-sleeved, dark blue dress shirt with black jeans and black combat boots. Jace’s outfit complimented his as he boyfriend was dressed in a short-sleeved, maroon polka dot shirt with distressed black jeans and deep brown, almost appearing black, combat boots. The marron made his heterochromatic eyes glisten and his golden hair appeared lighter in color. Alec knew he was staring, but he didn’t care. He was in the presence of an Adonis. "Do you like what you see,” Jace joked?

“I love it,” Alec said breathlessly. 

“Well, I love you,” Jace replied taking his hand. “Shall we go?”

“Where exactly are we going?”

“That is for me to know, and you to find out, you curious archer. Oh, you have to close your eyes” 

Alec laughed. “Ok, then let’s go.”

Suddenly, a portal appeared. Needless to say, Alec was baffled, but Jace was confident. “Let’s go.” Jace held his boyfriend tight as he closed his eyes and led Alec through the portal. Alec’s eyes remained closed as they landed wherever the portal brought him. “Are your eyes still closed?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect. Ok, walk straight,” Jace instructed. He was holding Alec by the hands, leading him forward. “Now, take three steps to your left.” Again, Alec did as he was told. “Alright, you can open your eyes now.” Alec opened his eyes and blinked a little from all the lighting. After his eyes adjusted, he immediately knew where he was. Alec gasped and tried to hold back his tears.  
He could barely get his words out. “How did you do all of this?”

“Remember when Magnus called you to help him with that spell,” Jace confessed as he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets as he spoke. Jace was blushing and Alec was sure that was new. He had made Jace blush. By the angel, Raziel was not making this easy. Alec knew he would have to come clean eventually, but why ruin a perfect night. The little white lie couldn’t hurt for a little while longer, right? 

“Yeah.”

“Well, I told him I wanted to take you out on a date and asked him to make a portal at 7. I said I wanted it to be a surprise.” His blush was becoming a crimson color.

“That warlock is unbelievable.” Alec was shaking his head in laughter, thankful to have such a thoughtful friend and an even more thoughtful boyfriend. Would he still have Jace after he told him? He shoved that thought away so he could fully take in the moment. He stepped closer to Jace, and gave him a peck; however, Alec was happy to give Jace more when the golden-haired boy refused to pull away so quickly. When they broke apart for air, Jace rested his forehead on Alec’s. Alec laid his hands on Jace’s chest and closed his eyes. “I love you. I always have and I always will.” It was said in a loving whisper, only meant to be heard by Jace’s eyes. 

“And I you.” Jace looked up and looked into the deep blues possessed by his baby once he opened his eyes. They savored this moment. “Let’s eat, shall we,” asked Jace while they remained in their positions. 

“Yes,” although Alec didn’t want to let his grip on Jace go. 

The warehouse was dressed in stringed lights and the floor was covered in picnic blankets. The walls were lined with candle lights, and Jace had even set up a projection screen so they could watch films later. The perfect date with the perfect guy thought Alec. COme to find out, Jace prepared Alec’s favorite dish and it was heavenly. Their night was filled with light-hearted conversations and kisses. They had forgotten all about the film as they opted to climb on top of the roof and watch the stars. Alec held Jace close to his chest as his love brushed his sternum up and down. Jace had placed a series of kisses on his neck and arm while he lay there. Jace eventually settled for holding ALec’s hand, but not until after he kissed every intertwined finger. “I wish this moment could last forever,” Jace said, breaking the silence. “I wish we could always be like this.” He looked up at his admiring boyfriend. “I wish I could hold your hand in public or kiss you as you walk by. I wish I could reach out to you as your boyfriend, not parabatai, at work.” Alec sighed and closed his eyes momentarily. He understood Jace’s reasoning; he understood the hurt feeling of not being able to express his true self to the world. He hated living like he was a secret, like he was something to be afraid, and as he lay there, he understood what Lydia meant. It had become harder and harder to deny one another physical attraction during work, and the fact that they even had to be careful behind closed doors. Alec was sick and tired of it. “I wish I could show the world you were mine,” Jace continued, “and make everyone jealous because I have the best love in the world.”

“Jace,” Alec choked. 

“I wish I could kiss you in front of The Clave and not have an eye blink. When they look at us, when they saw us, they wouldn’t see a crime. They would just see love, pure Eros."

"Jace,” Alec said again just as choked. 

“You’re amazing, Alec, and now you’re the Head of the Institute. Think of all the good you can do, what you will do. Think of everything we could do. My boyfriend, Head of the Institute,” Jace laughed, “we’d be unstoppable.” It was if the universe were asking Alec to ruin the moment. Jace wasn’t making this any easier. The only thing that would make this worse would be if Jace said -. “I love you,” Jace said. He had said it, just the thing didn’t want to hear. Alec never thought the day would come he’d hate to her Jace say he loved him. The situations was suffocating. 

“We need to break up!” There, it was said. It was out in the open. They said it hurts less if you just ripped the bandage off. Alec had just done that with Jace, and honestly, he was sure that was not true. Jace didn’t pull away, but his grip on their intertwined hands lessened. Jace looked up, red in the face. Not the blush red in your face, nor anger, but sadness. He had tears rimming his eyes. 

“You’re joking, right? Because if you are then why aren’t you laughing.” Jace was in shock. He was so numb with pain and sadness and shock. “It’s a really funny joke, “ he said desperately. 

“It’s not a joke,” Alec replied suffocating. 

Jace pulled away as if Alec had burned him, which he probably had. “Oh, my, Alec…” Jace ran his hand through his hair, “was it something I did? Did I say something wrong.” Jace stopped suddenly to look at him in the eyes as if he figured something out. “Was it because I said ‘I love you?’ If so, then I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry,” Jace rushed, “but I understand if you’re scared because it was said so soon.” Jace was a mess. Alec hadn’t expected this bad of an outcome. He expected Jace to walk away. 

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Tell me so I can fix it,” Jace demanded, but his voice was wavering.

Alec cupped his now ex’s face with one hand. That hurt to say ex. “In order for me to become Head of the Institute...”

“No, no, Alec, no,” Jace sobbed understanding the unsaid remaining. It was painful. His face was a sea of tears. Alec could have killed himself, because the only person that got Jace to cry like this, or just cry in general, was Valentine. This, however, was much worse than Valentine. 

“I have to break up with you,” Alec finished. That was it. Jace pushed him away. Jace was looking everywhere but him. He held the bridge of his nose to prevent more tears from falling, but it was of no use. “It’s for the best,” Alec tried to reason. It was more for himself to see if it would help wash away some of the guilt; it did nothing. “It’ll keep you safe.”

“You chose,” Jace broke down and it took a moment for him to regain the slightest bit of composure, “you chose,” he tried again. “You chose the Institute over me! Over me, Alec,” he pointed accusingly. This was the type of reaction Alec had anticipated. He deserved the blame. “I wouldn't trade you for the world, and you just threw me away.”

“No, no babe, I” 

Alec tried to speak, but Jace cut him off. “Don’t call me that,” turning to him with fury in his eyes. Alec was honestly wounded. He was rarely on the side of Jace’s anger. It felt wrong. 

“You know how badly I’ve wanted this.” Alec knew it wasn’t the best move to play the blame card, and he didn’t blame Jace; he just wanted him to know why he’s doing what he’s doing. 

Jace scuffed. “More than me.” Jace didn’t look at him while he said it. He just stared off into the distance. Alec’s tears began to fall. A breath was caught in his throat. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” Jace caught his breath, so his voice wouldn’t break and turned to face Alec once more. “I told you that I loved you. I said don’t lead me on.” Jace took a breath. “I asked you not to hurt me. Did that mean anything to you?”

“Of course it did. Jace, I love you. You have to believe me.” 

“No, you don’t.” Jace looked away once more. “You were right, you know, about me not knowing how I truly felt.”

“Jace, please don’t,” Alec begged as he felt his heart stop beating.

“I didn’t love you like that.” He looked Alec in the eyes once more. Alec gasped at how lifeless his golden eyes looked, and he was the cause for it. “I don’t love you like that,” Jace retorted, putting emphasis on the “don’t.” He used the present tense verb. “I was just missing someone to hold.” Jace got up and walked away. Alec reached out to grab his hand, but he pulled away from the touch.  
“Jace, please,” Alec called out. “Jace,” but it was of no use. Jace was already gone. He was out of sight, but definitely not out of mind. 

Alec didn’t know when he returned to the Institute, only that he was met with a sight he thought he would never witness again. Jace had his hands on Clary’s face, as if ready to kiss her. Alec’s already suffocated lungs gasped for air even more. He knew why Jace did it; he knew Jace did it initially and timed it perfectly so that Alec would see it. Alec turned towards his room and didn’t look back, leaving Jace and Clary as they were. 

Jace sat on his bed staring at the photos of he and Alec from the last two months. All of that was gone down the drain. He wished they had a photo of them kissing, or even a simple handhold, but they both knew that was pushing it too far. What they were engaged in was risky. Jace’s door opened. “I’m sorry. I really thought about kissing you, to help forget, but I realized that was wrong of me.” 

“How did you know it was me,” asked the redhead in a soft voice. You didn’t knock nervously like Simon, you didn’t portal in here like Magnus, I didn’t hear the clatter of heels, so you couldn’t have been Izzy, and,” Jace choked on this part, “I would’ve felt it through the bond if you were Alec.”

“It’s ok, you know? After seeing you walk in tonight, I understood why you did what you did. I’m not gonna lie and say that I wasn’t apprehensive,” Jace looked up at her, “but I knew you wouldn’t do it.”

“How?”

“Because Alec wasn’t, isn’t a fling,” she corrected herself. 

“You had it right the first time,” Jace said dead. 

“It would have meant nothing anyway. You and I we’ve moved on, but you and Alec, that’s timeless right there. It’s ok to be heartbroken, just know you’re going to find your way back to one another.” Clary walked over to him and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder. “You’re parabatai, and you always find your way back to one another.”

“That’s all we’ll ever be it seems.” Clary got the hint to leave, and Jace was grateful. Unlike Izzy, Clary was content on getting information regarding situations like this as it came. She didn't push or pry. She just knew when something was wrong and when to not overstep. Clary closed his door, and when he was positive that she was out of earshot, he drew a silence rune on the door. He proceeded to scream his lungs out in anguish and heartbreak. He tore his room up and tore the pictures of he and Alec to shreds, although once he reached the photo from their parabatai ceremony, he just collapsed to the floor. He couldn’t destroy that. This was the reminder that this was all he could ever have Alec as. Somehow he found the strength to crawl into bed. Jace pulled the photograph closer to his chest and continued to sob, silently, into his pillow. He wore one of Alec’s sweaters. He was consumed by the smell, and for the first time in two months, Jace didn’t have Alec’s strong, secure arms wrapped around him. Jace’s nightmare from the past week had came true. The night was restless. For the both of them. Alec snuggled the pillow Jace slept on whenever they were in his room to his chest. He inhaled the smell and weeped for the missing boy from his bed. Alec had felt Jace’s anguish and rage as he tore his room apart, he just didn't know what Jace was doing exactly. He only felt the death gripping emotions.

'To love was to destroy to love was to destroy,' Alec repeated in his head. 

Jace inhaled Alec’s sweater and thought of the smell, and how it was going to fade. It was going to fade, just like love does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As probably most of you know, the show has announced its cancellation. I am deeply saddened much like many of you are. For me, the show was more than just entertainment, but an influence on my life. From the writing, the cast and the crew, to the fandom, all aspects have given me comfort, laughter, and most importantly, allowed me to reflect on my beliefs and formulate my own morals. Just watching the cast interact with one another and their fans brought so much joy in my life. Each of them is talented in their craft and care about us immensely. You could patently tell the cast and crew did what they loved because they wanted to tell a miraculous story and wanted fans to have something wonderful to engage in as well. I could go on, and still whatever I write will never do justice to how thankful I am for Shadowhunters, Cassie Clare, and all of those involved in its creation. 
> 
> I just wanted to upload this to honor the show and how it has influenced my perception of relationships and how well two actors can come together to make something so beautiful. 
> 
> If you wouldn't mind, let's use AO3 as a platform to share why we love the cast/crew, Cassie, and the books/show so much and how it has impacted us. On my story, I wanted to create a space where individuals felt safe to express their loss because, in a sense, this is a state of mourning. I would love to know how the show has been involved in your life. Let's talk about the show and keep the fandom alive, thank you so much! I look forward to reading your comments and interacting with you.


	9. Magnet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec deal with the aftermath of the breakup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I profusely apologize for the extremely overdue update. I’ve been really busy lately, but I’m back with a new chapter. Thank you all so much for your patience! 
> 
> I hope this chapter was worth the wait and that you enjoy! :)

“All of the days I spent by your side  
I never thought I’d hear you say  
‘Let go of me  
You need to let go of me … (go) of me …’  
How could you let go of me?”

~ “Let Go” by Sickick 

Jace awoke in the worst mood ever, but then again, he had been in the worst mood ever since the breakup. That was almost a month ago. It was very hard to be civil around Alec, but he did his best to keep suspension from raising. The worst part was that he didn’t only feel his agony, but Alec’s as well. He longed to be able to look him in the eyes, but it hurt too much. Jace literally felt like he was dying all over again every time he and Alec would have to be in the same room and play parabatai. They were faking. They both knew it. There was too much discord between them to not feel the tension, yet they kept on. They kept coming back to leave the questions at bay and because of the bond. They always came back for that. Both of them might physically die without the bond. They pushed through their misery to keep it from severing.

Today, however, would prove to be most painful, as Alec would be appointed Head of the Institute. It was just a reminder of what made them no longer ‘we;’ they were no longer an ‘us.’ Jace lay there staring up at his ceiling. He did his best to prevent the tears from forming, but he couldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t have fallen. He knew he shouldn’t have given into temptation. 

Maybe that’s why it’s forbidden, because something would come along that would leave everlasting, irreversible suffering. How was he supposed to recover from this? How were they supposed to move on when they knew each other, but couldn’t have one another? How could Jace process that there had always been something more important to Alec than him, the Institute? That was the suffocating part, realizing he was second best. Maybe this was payback. Maybe this was Alec’s revenge because Jace made him suffer in unrequited love for almost a decade, and then being left him in the dark for almost a year when Jace finally did realize the truth about himself. 

But, if this was Alec’s revenge, why was he hurting? Maybe he was feigning pain so Jace wouldn’t hurt even more. No, there’s no way; when Alec was determined to complete a task, he showed no mercy. Mission complete. Operation break Jace’s heart was full proof, and he was hating every second of each day. 

Jace somehow found the strength to get ready for the day. He decided, for today, he would be proud of his parabatai. He would only see Alec as his parabatai. He would congratulate him, stand by his side as he was being appointed, he would smile, heck, he might even hug Alec. Because that’s what parabatai’s do. They hug. They laugh. They smile together. They don’t sleep together. They don’t fall in love. Jace had learned his lesson, hard, but he was always brought back to one thing: this was just another reiteration of to love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. 

He thought back to the sweater he had wrapped himself up in a month ago. And he was right. The smell has faded. Just like love does. 

…

To say that Alec was nervous was an understatement. He would rather be force feed Izzy’s cooking then stare into the eyes of The Clave Representatives who were there to appoint him. Come ot think of it, he’d rather be poisoned by a greater demon than see his parents’ proud, smug expressions as they looked at their eldest who had finally fulfilled their dreams. Most importantly, he would rather be stuck in Edom for all eternity than have to face this special day without Jace by his side. He knew he messed up. He knew he couldn’t be forgiven. All of him wanted to reach out to the boy he was still madly, passionately in love with and tell him that he was sorry. He would gladly beg on his knees in front of the entire Clave if that meant Jace would take him back, or even kiss him one last time. He knew Jace wouldn’t take him back though. There was too much damage. He had proven to be just as lethal as Valentine, because he only silicified to love is to destroy. 

A knock came on his door. Izzy poked her head in.

“Are you ready, big brother?” Alec turned around and Izzy gasped, putting her hands to her mouth. He was dressed in dark blue dress shirt and black dress pants. He had on nicer shoes than his training or hunting boots, but they were still combat. “You clean up nicely.” She came and pushed a stubborn hair off his face. “I’m so proud of you.” He gave a faint, sad smile. She became somber, understanding his mood. “I know, I know it hurts. I can’t fathom how much, but I know it does.”

“Does a broken heart really take this long to heal?” he whispered in fear that he already knew the answer was ‘yes.’ He looked older, weighed down, tired when he had asked. 

“Every heart is different, just as every person is different. The situation wasn’t pretty. There are all sorts of different factors that can play into how much time it takes to heal, and even when it no longer hurts, you’ll always remember. You never forget.”

“The worst part is that it’s not getting better with time, it only becomes worse.”

“I know, big brother.” She looked at him sadly, and so distraught that she couldn’t do anything to ease his pain. She knew how much he wanted Jace, but she also knew how much he wanted to be Head. She just never imagined that they would end up like this. In all honesty, she never expected Jace to reciprocate those feelings, but when she found out, Izzy couldn’t help but being on cloud nine as well. When the opportunity arose for Alec to take over, she never imagined that Alec would have to pick, and she never imagined he’d choose anything over Jace. Yet, she didn’t voice that side of her opinion. She knew how guilty he felt. What was it her place to make him feel worse?

“I want him back so badly,” Alec faintly sobbed. His tall stature leaned over and was embraced by Izzy. Her heart broke, but she was grateful that Alec felt comfortable enough to talk to her about his heartbreak to this extent and allowed himself to be vulnerable. She knew Alec hated appearing “weak,” almost as much as Jace did. 

She was there for him too. Some part of her felt worse for Jace, as he just had this entire revelation, took a plunge that went against his broken past, had a promise made to him that he would never get hurt, and then had his words through back in his face all in a matter of two months. That was enough to leave a mundane down for a significant period of time, but for a Nephilim? In some retrospect, it would be harder to confide in, as they didn’t feel emotions. They didn’t allow for it. They didn’t do anything out of love; relations were only political. Worst of all, all the harm was down by the carrier of half his soul; Jace couldn’t simply escape and never see this person again. No, this person was a portion of him. At least mundanes could acknowledge that they were human. In the world they, Izzy, Alec, and Jace, lived in, it sometimes felt as if it were a sin to let their mundane sides live. They were purely soldiers, and soldiers don’t get hurt because they can’t feel pain, therefore, they can’t express any emotion. 

“Mind if I cut in?” A new voice ripped through the air. Alec froze in shock, and then quickly pulled away from Izzy’s embrace. Izzy bit her lip, but left anyways, seeing that this may be progress and she did not want to stand in the way of that possibility. She didn’t want to rush the two boys, because they desperately needed this time together, but she knew being late to your own inauguration wasn’t professional, so in her normal, bubbly manner she exclaimed, “don't be late,” and closed the door with a click of her heels.

“I, um…” Alec was going to try and explain away the position he and Izzy were in, but there was no point. Jace would know the truth. “How much of that did you hear?”

“All of it,” Jace said pushing his hands further into his pockets. He did the same the night everything went wrong.

“Really?” Part of Alec began to hope that they could reconcile since Jace heard him say he wanted him back, however that silver lining was quickly shoot down.

“No, I just got here.” Alec seemed uneasy. “It was a joke,” he stuttered out. Jace didn’t have a clue why he was here, but he had promised himself to be by Alec's side. He just didn’t know that promise extended to forcing himself to be next to him all day. 

“How was that supposed to be a joke?”

“I don’t know. It happens a lot from what I hear from Simon. He says a lot of those characters in shows and stuff claim they’ve heard the entire conversation.”

“Is it true? That they actually hear the entire conversation?”

“It’s not likely.”

“Oh.” This hurt. It really hurt. Why was love so painful? But then again, Alec remembers more of Magnus’s wise words: “If it doesn't hurt, it doesn’t mean anything.” This case was true; Jace meant a whole lot of something. Alec was surprised when Jace closed the distant distance between them and began to fix his shirt. 

“What,” Jace tried to be light hearted, “can a guy not help his parabatai out? You don’t want a wrinkled shirt on the day you get appointed.” 

Jace felt like he was spewing venom because Alec was not only his parabatai, but the love of his life... Although, he couldn’t look him in the eyes. How can one not look at their soulmate in the eyes? 

For Jace, it would be like opening up an old wound. It still bled like it was fresh, even if it was a month old. However, he did it anyways. He made eye contact with the fire that destroyed him. The striking baby blues had dwindled. “I’m so proud of you.” Jace whispered and brought his hand to cupped Alec’s face. Alec swears that was the moment he lost his sanity, and before he swore he had already lost it, but now he knew: It was official; he had lost all his wits.

He brought his hand to hold Jace’s wrist of the hand that was on his face. “Jace,” he began in a whisper.

“Shhh.” The younger boy closed his eyes in agony and shed a tear. He couldn’t do it anymore. That was enough eye contact for now. A sob caught in Alec’s throat as he choked down his own misery.

The door opened. “It’s time,” Izzy called.

 

“I now here declare you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, under the authority of The Clave and at the suggestion of Envoy Branwell, that you are now the new Head of the New York Institute.” Imogen Herondale, Jace’s grandmother had appointed him. Alec joked to himself that they had made it a family affair. “Now, take your place up here and appoint your second and third in command.”

Alec took his spot and his siblings took their cue to take the steps under him. Alec was at the top, Jace took the second stair, and Izzy took the last. They all wore professional expressions. Alec took Jace’s hand, and it took all of the prayers he had sent up to the angels to prevent him from wavering in his touch or at the call of his full name, something Alec never did. “As my first act as Head, I declare my second in command to be my parabatai, Jonathan Christopher Herondale.” Alec spoke clearly and raised Jace’s hand with his. Jace stepped up on the same stair as Alec with their hands still raised. “I declare Isabelle Sophia Lightwood, my sister, to be my third in command.” Alec took her hand as well and pulled her onto the same step he and Jace stood on; all three of them had their hands raised to Raziel. 

“Your Head has spoken,” declared Imogen.

“Show him your praise, show him your loyalty, show him your respect,” Lydia chimed in. “Audaces Fortuna Juvat!”

“Audaces Fortuna Juvat,” the rest of the Institute shouted. 

The Lightwood siblings and their adoptive brother kept their hands raised to show their unity, to show their new found power. Their faces remained professional as the shouts continued. They basked in the glory; they were happy for it; but they also mourned at the pride that their parents’ gave, and the expense of their own happiness that it took to get there. 

...

“Look who the boss is now,” Lydia said happily approaching Alec. They were at the celebration his parents had planned. Shadowhunters don’t usually celebrate, well let alone have the time to, so the relaxing atmosphere was inviting. Everyone was there, from downworlders to Nephilim. Alec had insisted that if there was to be a celebration, everyone would be invited and treated alike. 

“Yeah,” Alec laughed taking a sip of his beer.

Seeing his expression, Lydia felt as if it was as good of a time as any to come clean. “I’m sorry. I know that this is my fault. I made you choose and now you’re both suffering. You’re paying a debt for a consequence you do not own.”

“No, Lydia,” he corrected, “this wasn’t your fault. I made the choice. This one’s all on me.”

“But I’m the one who put you in the position that forced you to.”

“We all have to pick and choose our battles to fight. We’re Shadowhunters. We’re born to take risks, meant to make sacrifices.”

“Even if it means destroying your own life?”

“When has there ever been anything done in our world out of love, Lydia? Everything is a political relation. This is no different.”

“That doesn't mean you have to follow the rules. You don’t have to be apart of this detrimental cycle.”

“What was I supposed to do then, huh?” Alec was becoming slightly agitated. He was having his decision thrown back in his face. He didn’t blame Lydia at all, but it was not helpful that she was pointing out how he couldn’t live like this.

She sighed. “Choose yourself.” The statement came after a moment as if she was debating whether or not to say anything. Alec was sure that was the first time Lydia Branwell ever hesitated to speak her mind. 

Alec let out a breath. “If I were to choose myself, then I’d have the Institute and Jace! He wouldn’t be my second in command either, no, we’d be Co-Heads.”

“Then choose him,” Lydia said with a faint, sad smile knowing full well why he couldn’t. “Prove them wrong. Fighting for what you want has never stopped you before, so don't start now.” She left after she said her peace. 

Alec contemplated her advice as he watched Magnus and Dot dominate the dance floor and witnessed Simon doing what he does best, talking Raphael's ear off. 

Deciding not to wallow any longer, Alec made his way over to Jace who was having a conversation with Clary. Alec decided to make it a test. Even though Jace appeared fine at the inauguration with Alec touching him, Alec needed to be sure that that could be extended into something more. 

Once he reached the golden boy, he stretched out his hand. Just as his fingers barely brushed Jace’s palm, the blond pulled back. Jace knew the person before he was even touched. This time, though, he allowed himself to recoil. He was only in front of Clary, and she knew. She knew why he didn't want to be around Alec, yet she let him be with his parabatai, as she probably thought they were going to make some progress. 

“Please, just please,” Alec pleaded. 

Jace swallowed the knot in his throat and looked up at the lights to prevent tears from streaming. He did not need to make a scene, nor did he feel like coming up with an explanation. “Fine,” he somewhat chided. He allowed Alec to take him by the hand and lead him away from the party. Many people asked where they were going and they simply said they wanted to hang out, just the parabatai, besides party’s weren’t really Alec’s thing anyways. Everyone understood, and no one ever questioned it because they didn’t understand parabatai nature. They only knew Alec and Jace were the best. They believed them, and they let them be. 

Jace allowed Alec to pull him about a three blocks before snatching his hand away. He did his best to conceal his tears and broken heart during the events of the day, but now he was in the presence of the sole person who caused it, so he saw no reason to mask it any longer. Alec turned with a face of despair. He reached out to stroke Jace’s arm, but the younger boy retaliated. “Jace, please,” he begged in a silent whisper.

“Alec, just stop.” Jace took a muffled breath before gathering his bearings. “I have done my best all day to put on this facade that we’re alright and that I’m happy for you, but this, this,” he declared gesturing between them, “this is too much! I can’t pretend that the way you look at me now is enough. I can’t get by with the subtle hand gestures. I’m not like you, Alec. I’m selfish, and I want you! I want the one person that I can’t have because he chose his career over his life.”

“Jace, you have to understand, we were never meant to be. We were never supposed to happen.”

“So you regret me?”

“I’d never regret you, but The Clave- what they’d do to us. What your grandmother would do. I couldn’t take away your only family!”

“You idiot! I don’t care what The Clave thinks. And what grandmother? She’s just some elderly woman who’s passed all of two pieces of knowledge to me about my parents. I can’t live up to this Herondale royalty she has for me.” Jace did his best to ease himself and tried to understand Alec’s reasoning. “Of course, I’ve always wanted a blood family, but you and Izzy, the Lightwoods are my family. You just gave me away!”

“I never threw you away!”

“Oh, really?”

“You knew how badly I wanted this. How badly mom and dad wanted this!”

“Who cares what they want? It’s about what you want!”

“Did you not see their faces today? They were so proud! Of all of us! They didn’t have a favorite child. For once, I actually made them happy. You never had to compete for their affection. They always accepted you! I wanted to make them proud.”

“Congratulations, you got your wish.” Jace turned to walk away. He was hurt by Alec’s words, probably even more so than he was when he got dumped. Alec knew how to press his buttons just right way, and Alec used Jace’s insecurities to the full advantage. 

Realizing the brutality of his words, Alec tried to take them back, “no, Jace, I didn’t meant that. I’m sorry. Please, Jace,” the angelic boy kept walking.“Parabatai! Jace, stop!” The force of Alec’s voice stilled Jace’s bones. He didn’t turn around though. “You want the truth? I’m sorry, ok I am,” Alec stayed back in fear that stepping closer would drive Jace further away and that he wouldn’t listen to his words. “I made a choice, and the wrong one. I didn’t choose myself, because if I had, you would still be with me, and I would be Head of the Institute. I didn’t fight for you. I didn’t fight for us, for what we had. I was scared, ok. I didn’t want to be vulnerable.” Alec was a sobbing wreck letting everything out in the opening. “I have waited eight years to be with you, and I finally got what I wanted, but it terrified me! I had always imagined my life without you, only as my parabatai. But now that I’ve experienced real love, I want it back so badly. I made a mistake out of my own insecurities. I used your insecurity about being led on against you to make it seem like it was only about the Institute, but that wasn’t completely it.” Alec took an ashamed, shaky breath before he continued his explanation. “It was just an easier outlet to get out of being in love with you. I used becoming Head as an excuse to cover up my own fear that one day you would wake up and decide you did not want me anymore, or you use myself against me. I was scared to even think those thoughts because I knew you would never do any of those things, yet I was still afraid you would.”

Jace walked back to the boy he loved- the boy he would gladly walk through Edom with and for-and looked him in the eyes. “So, you’re telling me that the entire time you used becomingthe Head as an excuse to breakup with me all because you were afraid of looking vulnerable?”

“Not completely. It was true. I had to break up with you in order to become Head. We both know the law. Yet, I was also afraid you’d break up with me. I was so scared of being vulnerable, Jace. It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. Believe me, I’m having a hard time layin in the bed I made,” the distraught older boy pled. 

Jace, on the other hand, was shocked and hurt to the core. He was just emotionally numb. “Alec, I would never use your insecurities against you. I have never, ever hurt you on purpose. I don’t even care about the Institute part of it anymore, but that you actually did what you were afraid of on me! You used my vulnerabilities against myself! I allowed you to see apart of me I try so desperately to shelter from the world. I take the rep of being egotistical so I’m not forced into situations like this that I’m in now.” Jace hsted that he was crying, but he didn’t stop himself either. “The worst part, is that when I look at you, I understand why you did it. I understand why you chose the Institute. It was fear and fear makes us do crazy things.” Jace allowed himself to inch into his destroyer’s personal space. “What gets even worse is that I don’t hate you for it. I still love you. I hate myself for loving someone that’s destroying me.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec sobbed.

“It’s going to take a lot more than sorry to fix this.” Alec perked up at that, at the given prospect of being able to mend things between himself and Jace.

“Jace, I swear, I will never hurt you again. Parabatai, believe me!” Deep down, Alec knew Jace believed him. He could feel the first inkling of a warm sensation in their bond in over a month. 

There was a long and pregnant pause between the two before the blond spoke. 

“Why do we always fall in love with the people who hurt us the worst? They’re always going to be the people we can’t have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Latin quote means “Fortune favors the bold.”
> 
> Hope you guys liked it!


	10. You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec sets out to make things right with Jace, but as they mend their relationship, troubles erupt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Shadowhunters last day of filming, Aug, 3, 2018, I wanted to post something. This show has meant and will continue to mean the world to me! I can't even begin to explain how much the cast and show mean to me, but even though it's bittersweet, I say this with a bright smile on my face: I'm glad for the time they had on the air and for the influence that they've had! #ShadowhuntersForever 
> 
> Just as a little disclaimer, the story jumps in time quite a bit, so the pacing is faster, but it all still makes sense.

Yeah, I love you  
But I shouldn't have said it yet  
And I know you feel it too  
But I was never good at playing hard to get  
If we can find a way to start the chase again  
We might rediscover love when we circle 'round the bend

~ “Circles” by The Young Romans 

Alec paused and held his breath before knocking on the door. Jace had given him some inkling of hope last night when he said: “It’s going to take a lot more than sorry to fix this.” That was what Alec was here to prove; he had to show action, not just testify how sorry he was. The older boy wanted to start off right, and what better way to start than taking immediate action? That’s what led him to Jace’s door early the next morning. 

Swallowing his nerves, the dark-haired boy turned the knob to reveal his forever love, his angel. Jace turned around at the sudden left into the rest of the world. He knew he would have to face reality- face Alec, but he wasn’t too sure he was ready for that. He knew he gave Alec the chance to prove he deserved a second chance, but he still needed space to grieve his heartache. 

“Goodmorning.”

“Morning,” Jace staggered out. “Is there something you need,” he asked and added, “boss,” at the end teasingly. Jace figured if he wasn’t emotionally ready to be straightforward he could throw on his smirk and fake his way through turmoil. If only for a little while because he knew Alec knew he was putting on a facade, but thankfully the Lightwood boy played along. 

“Nope, I just came by to say ‘hello.’”

“Well then, hello.” The remark was dry and Alec held his hands behind his back pensively. Jace moved about the room to get ready for the day. “Jace,” the blond stopped at his call, “I just- I wanted you to know that I’m doing more than ‘sorry’ to fix this, to fix us. I know I have a lot of damage to recover, but don’t push me away. I know that letting me close to your heart is dangerous and I get that you’re scared of me-”

“Alec, I’m not sc-,” Jace tried to interrupt. 

“Yes, you are. You are scared of me. That’s alright because I’m the one who caused this mess. I broke the only thing you feel like you have in this world, and that’s your trust towards me, but I swear by the angel, I will do absolutely everything to get you to trust me again. I won’t even stop with my dying breath.” Alec circled around to Jace and cupped the younger boy’s face. He was beyond thankful that Jace hadn’t pulled away, but he felt the vibrations of Jace’s tremors. Rubbing a thumb over the dreadful tears shed, Alec said: “I love you, and it’s about time I prove to you how much so.” 

Jace swallowed the lump in his throat and thought back to how hard it was not having Alec by his side. He'd be a fool to not have him again, no matter how hurt he was. He also needed to help bridge the gap between them. Both of them needed to work on themselves and them as a pair. The forbiddenness and crushing in silence for a decade had crushed them once, built after an intensive reconciliation, Jace actually thought they’d be alright. With a promise for a brighter future, Jace smiled. He grabbed ahold of Alec's hand and laid his forehead against his love. They would be alright, Jace felt it. Jace felt his cold heart mend itself and beat once again. 

...

 

“Alright, this is Jace and Alec: Breath by Breath.”

Jace suggested that they work out their problems by talking them through and working together to come up with solutions. Regardless of how heard the topic may be, they both agreed they wanted to tackle any obstacle head on and not leave the other in the dark.” 

After their first day being in charge of the Institute, they along with Izzy celebrated with a couple of drinks down at Hunter’s Moon. Izzy commented on how much easier they looked together. They admitted to their pact of working on themselves and she couldn’t have been anymore elated. Izzy always believed they both deserve everlasting happiness and knew they would only find that within each other. 

As of now, the boys had retired to Alec’s upgraded residential quarters, courtesy of becoming Head, and sat crisscrossed on the rug of his floor. They faced one another as the fireplace blazed with life on the other end of the room. 

Life continued to be good. Jace and Alec’s relationship was growing stronger and the Institute was in steady hands. No one was suspicious of them; they kept it under wraps. One night, Alec sat in his office pouring over papers of recent demon attacks. There was a knock on his door. He looked up and blessed to see his lover standing in the doorway. 

“C’mon, you need to eat.” Jace closed the door behind him and sat a bowl of pasta in front of Alec. “Don’t worry, Izzy didn’t cook. I did.”

“Thanks.” Alec leaned in to kiss his boyfriend. Jace made himself comfortable on Alec’s desk and picked up the pile of papers Alec was intensely studying. 

“Anything out of the ordinary?”

“No, just the same old same old.”

“Then why are you still here? Let’s go out or go to bed. You could really use some sleep. I can see it.”

“Jace, I’m fine. It’s just that something felt off, like the demons strategically meant to be there, it wasn’t just random like usual.”

“I don’t understand.” Jace was beginning to worry about the mental strain Alec was putting on himself.

“It’s nothing,” Alec stated taking a bite of his food. “I’m probably just overthinking it, like usual.” Jace grinned and Alec took his hand. He stared at the younger boy’s bare hand and thought of how great it would look with a ring on it, seeing as they couldn’t have a proper Shadowhunter wedding. Alec had even thought about just using the promise rune, after all, a wedding vow was a promise, an oath. Jace took notice of how intently his boyfriend was staring at his hand.

“What?” He was concerned.

“I was just thinking we should go hand to hand. Your hands are a little soft.”

Jace laughed, “like you could take me.”

“You wanna bet?”

“Let’s go old man.”

 

The two boys set up the training room and chose their weapons. They both opted for sparring staffs. “You sure you want to do this,” questioned Jace.

“I think somebody is afraid of losing.”

“Me, lose to you? Your jokes kill me, love.”

“Only for you, golden boy.” Alec struck. He jumped up and put all of his power into an attack on Jace. Jace was momentarily caught off guard by the force but recovered quickly. The power brought him to his knees, but Jace was easily able to sweep Alec off his feet with his right leg and maintain Alec’s downward power with his arms pushing up the staff. Alec fell on his back, but he quickly wrapped his legs around Jace’s waist and quickly brought him to the ground as well.

“Looks like we should go hand to hand,” Jace said in a husky whisper as Alec brought him to the ground.

“I’m glad you understood my gesture.” Alec was lightning quick in topping Jace and pinning him to the floor. Jace, reflexively, pushed Alec with his feet in his torso. Alec was thrown back and landed awkwardly on his right shoulder. He let out a pained moan as he made contact with the floor. Jace’s playful manner immediately faded away when he saw Alec’s face contort in pain. He rushed to Alec’s side and stroked his face. 

“Babe, you ok? Alec, c’mon say something.” Alec continued to moan in pain and pressed his face into the mat. His face was red and he gritted his teeth. “Babe, please. I’m sorry, you’re going to be ok.” Jace was frantic and began to mumble how much of an idiot he was. “Alec, please be ok,” Jace pleaded. He was on the verge of tears. Suddenly, Jace was overpowered by body weight and hit his head against the mat. He shook his head to make his vision clear once again and found Alec straddling him. “You jerk!”

“You never said we had to play fair.”

“I thought you were really hurt.” Jace had an upset look on his face.

“Aww, poor baby’s ego dampered.”

“Shut up, Lightwood,” Jace playfully chided still under his lover’s weight.

“You know you love me,” Alec said as he leaned down to kiss the pinned boy underneath him.

“I do,” the golden-haired boy replying back. Jace easily removed his hands from Alec’s grip and cupped them around the ravenette’s neck. The kiss was passionate, but they didn’t dare push it too far for safe measure of lurking eyes. “Bed?”

“Shower. Do you want to join?” Alec could see the temporary fear in Jace’s face, but the younger boy attempted to quickly erase it. He brought his hand to the other’s face to gently soothe him. “Hey, it’s ok. We don’t have to.” Alec was genuine about it. Jace didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want or anything he wasn’t comfortable with.

“I’m sorry.” Jace hated not being comfortable with being with Alec. While he had forgiven him for their previous breakup, Jace couldn’t help but feel more vulnerable with his insecurities now that the event had happened.

“Don’t apologize for something you don’t want. We’ll get there when we get there, one step at a time.” Jace smiled. He was thankful that Alec understood. Jace even felt a little guilty for not confiding in him the reason why he was more vulnerable. Before the breakup, they had established that Jace didn’t want to be lead on and that he had never been with a man, but Jace hadn’t voiced the newfound fear of the breakup as a reason for not sleeping with Alec. Sure they would sleep in bed together and make out, but it never went beyond that. “Alright, so separate showers, same bed?”

“Yeah.” Alec let Jace up and the two headed their separate ways to shower, but reunited in Alec’s bedroom. Jace and Alec were both in sweats, yet, Jace had a hoodie on as well. 

“Why are you hiding that beautiful body of yours,” Alec questioned as Jace entered his room. Jace climbed on the bed and stripped his hoodie. “That’s more like it.” Alec grabbed the boy by his waist and initiated a short, intense make-out session. Jace felt the need to pull away, not wanting to hide his guilt any longer. As he looked away, Alec cupped his cheek with one hand to force eye contact between them. “Jace, what’s wrong?” He was scared. He had seen that look before and he never liked it one bit. It was the same look he received when he was rescued from Valentine’s ship. Jace did his best to keep the eye contact, but he broke. He put his hoodie back on as quickly as possible and clung to Alec for dear life. His body shook in sobs and Alec didn’t know how to react. He just held his love and laid them down on the bed. He wrapped his arms even tighter around the golden-haired boy as the tears became more erratic.

“I’m sorry,” he said through a cracked sob.

“Baby, whatever it is, it’s alright. I won’t judge. I promise.” Jace stiffened at his promise and looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. “What is it, Jace?”

Jace didn’t answer. He felt guilty for feeling the way he felt, but he knew Alec deserved the truth so they could work out their problems together. “I’m scared of you.” He said it so brokenly and shamefully. Alec gasped and completely released Jace from his grasp. He did, however, cup Jace’s face and shivered at how the boy flinched under his touch. He could tell the younger boy was shaking and was doing his best to not shy away from his lover’s touch. 

“Why?” Alec was hurt that this is what Jace had been keeping in, and he must have been retaining it for a while due to the way he was acting. 

“I’m glad we’re back together,” the young boy pleaded, “but ever since, you’ve just been implying, you know, that you want to, and I want to too. I want us to get to that point, but,” he stopped.

“But what?”

“But I’m scared to.” He looked at Alec as best as he could, but with every increasing second he just felt more guilty and more vulnerable. “I’ve never been with a man, let alone someone that I care about this intensely. But mainly though, I’m scared you would use it against me.”

“Jace, I would never,” Alec interrupted him, but he was interrupted right back.

“I know you never would, you wouldn’t, but you’ve already used my insecurities against me once, and I just can’t get over that again.” Alec was dumbfounded. He knew Jace was being truthful. He had manipulated him before, why would he not do it again. He would like to think that since this has a higher stake, he wouldn’t, but you never knew. He used his emotional insecurities, why would he hesitate to use Jace’s physical vulnerabilities against him as well? “I trust you wholeheartedly, and I feel so guilty for feeling this way, you don’t deserve this,” but the ‘this’ was cut off by Alec.

“No, Jace, no. I damaged your trust. You told me from the start that you weren’t ready, and I should have known that when we got back together you wouldn’t be comfortable.”

“I should be though, I trust you.”

“As a parabatai.”

“No, as a lover. I love you, Alec, but I just can’t get to that point yet.”

“I’m so sorry that I hurt you,” Jace blinked and shed tears in the process. “I’m not going to be ready until you're ready. I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel safe with me.”

“I do, just not in that way yet.”

“That’s ok. We’ll get there. Don’t feel like our relationship is based on bedroom performance. That’s highly insignificant to feeling comfortable with one another and being able to communicate properly.” Jace smiled that Alec understood, and he no longer felt guilty. He was also glad because Alec was ok. Jace didn’t want Alec to feel bad because he’d forgiven him. They had moved on to a happier place, and this way just another bump in the road that they were already making their way over. “Hey,” Alec whispered in his golden boy’s ear, “I love you.”

Jace laughed with glee. “I love you too.” They kissed and all was well. 

Or so they thought.

 

…

 

“We might have reason to believe the New York Institute is corrupt.”

“How so?”

The deep dark voice chided. “Eros between parabatai.”

…

“So, what are we going to do today?” Jace had a bag of granola he was snacking on. They both had the day off; it was sunny in New York, so they thought it best to take advantage of the day outside. 

“What do you want to do?” Alec looked at him lovingly. 

“How about we go to the new pasta place near Taki’s?”

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Alec wrapped his arms around his boy and whispered in his ear. Jace laughed. He was so light-hearted. 

“And what about after that?” Jace still had his light-hearted laughter in his throat. 

“How about we walk through the park, see if mundanes are doing anything silly?”

“Mundanes are always doing something silly.” 

“I know, which will make it the more amusing.” 

There was a knock on the door, and the boys quickly separated and whipped the smiles off their faces. Izzy walked in. They eased. 

“The Clave has sent orders. They want you and Jace to comes to Idris.”

“What do they need me for,” Jace questioned.

“They want to go over the productivity of how the Institute is being run. They want to do an analysis to see if our tactics are the best, and how we can improve them.”

“Shouldn’t they want you there too. After all, you’re my third in command.”

“Since I officially have pure jurisdiction over the infirmary and training Shadowhunters, they don’t necessarily need me there for battle and political calls.”

“Alright,” Alec said somewhat suspicious. 

“When do we have to leave?” Jace was skeptical as well. He didn’t have a good feeling about this, but he would keep his nerves at bay to minimize suspicion. 

“Now,” replied Izzy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for taking time to read my fic :)


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